dear diary

Dear diary,

I don't have to read my previous few post to realize how messily written it must be. Makes no sense, and is probably a pain to read. I'm sorry that I had to put it all down on your pages. Fact is I've been struggling with myself lately, I don't know who to be. It's like I suddenly forgot how to be a person, the fundamentals of life, or do they even exist ? see I'm drifting off topic into the abyss yet again.

and there's always been something thats bothering me. I thought it could be work stuff.. personal stuff, other stuff.. but I'm fixing em all up one by one and well.. it's still there, a thorn in my side !.. the really really personal stuff.

Something that means so much to me, and I choose to ignore it hoping that the answers will fall from the sky.

People drift apart, it's part of life.. Shit happens, or people just grow cold.. why is it so hard for me to just say, that I really value our friendship, the parts that were real.

Its easy.

I attended my cousin's wedding tonight. Not really a close cousin and the crowd was well.. unfamiliar.

I hate it when you go to these functions where you don't know 90% of the people. Sure I could hang around with family, chat a little with uncles and aunties whom I only speak to about 2 times a year ? Otherwise what do I do ? mingle with strangers?, wouldn't be that weird if I could find someone my age. or , I could just be the fun guy around kids. kids are easy to entertain, but as wedding nights go on past their bed time, they just want to lie on mommy's lap.

Otherwise I could try to chat up the pretty waitress. There's gotta be one, every hotel you go has to have a pretty waitress, its just statistics. She looks pretty young too but she's working, rushing up and down the isle. There's also a factor of trying to pick up a girl in front of your parents, (not cool)

It was difficult, but in all boredom and booze, i plotted to get this girl's phone number. Plotted is the key, cause I never acted. Had but 1 chance when I got up from my seat and our paths crossed. She was walking way to fast, I muttered a weak 'hello' which was drowned out by the music. The setting just wasn't right. She was working really busy, I stuck out like a sore thumb and was no where in the 'confidence zone' It could never happen. besides she never looked at me even once.

still as I think back, it could've been so easy. all I had to do was, well I can't go into details. It's the past, past always seem easy.

I'll do it tomorrow.

Hey.

I've been here a few times the past week, but I had nothing to say.. Correction.

There's alot of things I wish to get off my chest and stuff, so much that I can't remember, but I actually have nothing that I want you guys (my readers, if there's any at all) to know. and also once I write it down here, it actually becomes 'real'.. and I can't 'live in denial'

It's ironic. I thought after all this time waiting for my ord time.. everything will just fall into place.. It's ord, what could go wrong. thing is I gotta get my disarrayed life together. soon. I don't feel like doing it cause everything feels hopeless, and there are loose ends everywhere.

and thats it... There's my problem.. I'm trying to start things. but I've got too many loose ends.. My legs are tired..

My legs are just tired.

I wasn't home last night

I saw a beach party on msia last night.

I could hear it from where I was. In Sg.. The music blasting through the silence of where I was. The lights dazzling .. Then sometime after midnight, they suddenly stopped. and it was dark again.

I suddenly remembered the time I got drunk on a beach. It was totally awesome. and I had met this chick whom I thought was gonna be the one. which I was of course wrong. but ohh such joyful times..

snsd

I never listened to j-pop k-pop or anything of that particular.. well ya know.. I knew they existed, hell it was unavoidable, wonder girls, brown eyed girls, girls generation etc etc..

But I never got around to watching their videos, or hearing their songs other than those that air on local radio. Until one day ....

My college decided to share his psp filled with snsd videos. then you suddenly see the whole room crowding over a psp raving about how this girl was cuter than the other, or whose boobs where the biggest. or who's 'girlfriend' .. boys.

Oh and as for my opinion.. they have the 'winning formula' any schoolboy would go gaga over..
and they're all pretty - cute.. (and yes everyone's got their own favorite so.. ) if you stop the video at 1:32.. the girl in the white tanktop with the little rocker kinda bracer.. that right there.. works for me..

small world

It's a small world.. at least for me. Stuck on an island jammed with close to 5mill people.

It can be nice. you run into old friends now and then.

but it could also be un-nice. you run into well people you never want to see again in life. (i didn't happen to, it's just a random thought )

and now with face book, (which I'm convincing myself to stop and be a ghost in it) suddenly your friends are friends of your other friends. which could be nice but isn't always the case. cause you see in the fb world a 'friend' is just another statistic, or just a person you clicked accept to. Some are plain fukers whom I'd never hang out in real life.

and I'm very sure of this. if you have a few hundred fb frens, there is sure to be a few in that lot whom you actually dislike, or hate. or more simply don't regard as a friend. So why is this person in your friends' list ?

Facebook. heh they should call it fakebook. (and no offense to the people who created facebook, it is a revolution, apparently one people aren't ready for.)

____

' ___ I really like you. Since I met you I've never been happier. you probably know that, and I get that you don't reciprocate. but I gotta hear it from you, will we ever be anything more than just friends. '

would it be totally weird if someone said that to you?

what if that person was a friend, I'd want to comfort that person, but the only way to help the person is to break it. The heart. I think I'd be able to do it, but only because I am pretty cold hearted.

Now I'm that person.

I don't think I'll ever say it. Maybe someday I'll wake up in forget about it all. Unlikely in any near future, and yet I seem to pin my hopes on that. hopeless fuck.

when drinking was new

do you remember your first drink ?

I think I do, but it's hard to be exact, for all I know I could've been fed beer when i was a child. haha.

point here is not about the 1st.. it's about a time of innocence..

It's just wonder.. I remember when I first discovered corona extra. I had just gotten into beer drinking and sometimes I would grab a bottle from the convenience store just for fun.. to try out different tastes. some times I did it on my own and took a stroll at night as I drank.

It was the best. I told ww about it, we both drank it.. and woooah.. It's kinda silly when you think of it now, the kind of little things that excited us back then..

back then life was simpler..

nowadays I spend my time searching for something which cannot be found.. and I don't even know what I'm searching for.

I will ?

Before I met you, I always thought;

Life is as awesome as you make it to be. imagine yourself having fun, and you will fun. It's all about choices, do what you want, and get what you want. The world is big enough to go around. Everyone has a choice.

but I've learned something. People are dumb. There are many factors that influence a decision or choice we make. These factors aren't always logical. In fact most aren't.

We just know it, but we make a choice because we think it's for the good, we're being selfless, our decision swayed by emotions. Love or infatuation of all after decades and centuries and millenniums we still don't learn.

The funny thing is that after you've managed to single-handily screw up your own life. you say oh fml. But you know what, life isn't always about 'me'.. until you realize that you can continue screamin fml fml.

cause the only way your gonna turn it around is that you turn around and say fyl instead. There is no greater meaning, you're not doing this because you think it's right. just fyl. say it. say it to the person beside you. and have peace in your life.

sleep no joy

I can never get good sleep on duty nights.

It's not like I've ever been awakened by a call.. wait, there was once but it was a personal call. not the duty call.

It's just that the bed sucks. The air sucks. My home rocks. simple equation really.
Oh well, maybe I'll dream again tonight.

It's more then a dream

I haven't had dreams in a long time. sleep was always darkness, peace.. escape.. the best kind.. but last night I had one. How great it was again to dream, and perhaps how unfortunate is it that I remember .. sometimes it's better not knowing, but I guess its a wake up call for me.. To stop hiding behind a mask.

I dreamt I met the most awesome girl ever. She was perfect for me. It was a blur, I remember bits and pieces, and this is how I stringed them together. I can't remember where I met this girl, my best guess was from through a friend. who told me well, she isn't that pretty or beautiful as I made her up to be. and I realized it to be true. but heck she was still perfect for me. and every second she just grew more and more beautiful to me. (which logically isn't possible)

I remember us running around. I saw it from a 3rd person view, a close up of our faces pressing against each other, side to side going around. Laughing, smiling. Horsing around. and I felt it. the jubilance I so missed. and there was something very innocent about it well. My heart melted right there in my sleep.

Next thing I remember I left and I'm at a hotel attending to some other matter. (might have been work or something, It's blurry) I'm in an age where for some reason we don't have cellphones. Which I think it's pretty romantic, as she called me through the hotel phone (I didn't think she would). I received it and knew who it was but for some reason I said, 'what did you say your name was again ?'

The last I heard was something like a 'huh ?' and gone.. left with the monotonous tone buzzing. I stood still thinking.. as the 'camera' slowly zoomed out and away into the ceiling.. I thought, shit.. how do I get back to this girl.. I don't have her contact. barely just a first name, and earlier on I had to come to this hotel which seemed like towns away.. or even countries away. I felt the hopelessness cause by the possibility that I'll never see her again, but I felt the hopefulness as I faded away from the dream.

That girl. She's gotta be somewhere out there. Someday, I'll find her.. not just in my dreams.

Boom.. I'm awake.

Initially I thought it to be a sweet dream. but I think I always knew.. this was a dream for loss cause. The signs are there.. I never knew what happened.. there is no ending.. only my own speculation. I now realize it's actually about me not having moved on. The heartaches don't lie.

and thats why I stood there in my dream. I stood there by the phone till it faded. I never walked away. never could.

not in this life

I noticed I've never liked sunday nights since NS. not even now when I get to book in on monday mornings. It's why I like to drink on a sunday night.. I've told myself before that I will not drink in sorrow. but thats a half lie.. Fact is I do.. I drink in loneliness inside, I drink in aversion of the things in my life. Sometimes it makes me forget, sometimes it makes me happier, Hell I love beer anyway. but always I return home late and feel worse altogether.

I find that to live in empty hope is always better than to live in ... fail

In a different world someplace, 21, coming on 22 year old me is somebody. he's got his own place near the city, not rich but mildly successful in what he does, has a decent day job and gigs for fun and xtra cash at night. Is single but not short on admirers and lady friends. A little taller, less pimples and over tanned damaged skin.

I could attribute almost all my downfalls to the establishment we all so love to hate.

I let my guard down. one fail too many.. what do I do now.. when can I get up...