sundays

If I just got up from bed, I would have more than 16 hours more before I would have to leave for camp. but I just got home.. assuming I'd sleep 8 hours.. I'm left with 8.. which sucks really.

I know I've been through all these a hundred times over.. the book in blues.. the life of a stay-in-personnel/ trainee.. but circumstances have it that this time, It's much worst and I can't shake this feeling..

I've enjoyed too much of a good life, the sudden shift makes a huge difference.. and unlike now, I was more motivated and committed to training. -no distractions.. now I simply put on a motivated farce, with the believe that a positive attitude will make my days much more enjoyable thus passing by much quicker ..

and so I made a lot of friends quick.. only to hope they can fill the void in me.. I've dug myself into a hole again, this time making a home inside. I feel so stupid at times, but mostly I just feel so lost..

sundays used to be such odd days.. I could choose to stay home and wallow in my sadness, and be comforted that when I book in I'll still feel the same degree of sadness (which means things can only get better after) Or I could choose to pursue fun and happiness, knowing that later I will end up missing so dearly what I had (and quite possibly spiral into despair)..

I finally understood the rational of people who depart without saying goodbyes. needless to say, we'll be back anyway. It's just a matter of time.

first days

First days always suck the most, especially when you're in a place held against your own will..

In an odd, unfamiliar environment.. and you know you're not here to have fun.. and the people all seem weird, different. it all adds up to disaster.

I never liked firsts days.. Some people get excited about their first day of school... first day of work and stuff.. I just get anxious, I ask myself what am I doing here.. First days usually turn out to be real energy suckers..

but having been through hell already, I knew this would be cake. I kept reminding myself, I'd rather be here than in Changi.. still sucks to be a trainee again though..

though I've convinced myself to be optimistic about this.. after all, it's what I hoped for.. and I got it..

avoiding the question

Sometimes I come online wanting to write about something.. and I just wish something else would come to my mind. It's like trying to force another idea out when your mind's already made up with one. when this happens...

I'd usually just go to sleep and forget everything, cause sleep makes everything better.. I have a new found love for sleeping these days. It used to be my nine to five, now I just want to make it my hobby. In the past, I never understood how people could proudly proclaim sleep as one of their favorite pastimes.. Unless necessary I always thought it to be a waste of time.. Now I just know that every minute I get to spend in dream land, is essentially a dream in itself. but still I never understood much. Just like how I never understood genuinely the beauty that beholds, one's eyes.

never did I, not until now ...

time for change

on this strange cold morning, I woke up with a runny nose.. crawled out of bed as I look to the time. Satisfied I had 10 hours of sleep. It's gonna be a long time again before I will be able to do this, as next week I start my course.

Not too enthused about going back to being a trainee again, but it'll be different this time. I'll be handling needles, not weapons, manuals and textbooks, not 20+kg dive gear strapped to my back. I won't be in on weekdays anymore, but I'll be home for the weekends, more consistently.

I'm anxious about it, but it's a good thing. I think, after all my current job is really starting to get on me. I'm gonna miss mornings like these.. waking up to not a worry in the world. alone in my home, having all this time to myself.

When I was still in a hell of a fire, people always complained that it isn't fair. our pay is shit, and we get the most shit. well life isn't fair, life is unbiased, it doesn't recognize your deeds, your morality, it doesn't judge. I just got lucky this time.

optimal, common sense?

I get bored a lot in camp. Mostly because there is nothing to do in camp. out of 24 hours, I'd probably spend only about 5 hours working.. maybe less? So while we seek to kill time with any sort of entertainment we can get our hands on.. psp, dvds.. our dear boss seems to have made a point on putting us down by banning whatever we can get our hands on. Fact is he is just as free.. no.. even more free than us, he sometimes vanishes and we all cheer..

I really do believe that he spends the rest of his time scheming on how to make our lives more miserable. He hovers over us with content every time we fall, proud, as if it was part of his 'brilliant scheme' Many a comrade have evidence to support this thesis too. I could go on ranting, but what the heck.. I'm relocating soon and I'm drifting..

So since the ban of all those fun stuff (it's only during the day though) I've been reading more than I usually do. It's hard to find good fiction reads from the library though, since everyone's after one. So anyway, I picked up a self-help book, titled optimal thinking. It's supposed to teach me to maximize my talents, resources and time, make the best of opportunities.. blah blah... blah... but I got so bored of it. I read a couple of pages and I thought to myself.. gee I know all these stuff.. It's common sense really (this is exactly what I disliked studying). I've thought it through and through.. and had no mood to read on.. but I've come to my own conclusion.

It's all about choice.. a lot of people know what's best for themselves. a lot of people when faced with a hypothetical question are able to give the best answers, model answers, of morality and quality.. but in reality do you really want what's best for yourself..

what's your motivation?

ps: I just finish reading time traveler's wife, great story.. can't wait to see what the movie's like.

HAHA LOL ROFL

This is a random video that I clicked on while on the homepage of youtube.. It made me laugh out loud, so I couldn't resist but share it.

Yes, he is kinda annoying, some might say very.. but thats the whole point. and at least he's original. ( I think )

anyway, I was meaning to blog about something else.. but I got sidetracked to youtube and forgot what it was.

I think it was something to do with fate and how people are always fooled into thinking a series of random events is actually strung together intricately (by time and space) leading up to a seemingly more significant cause. ah yes, as always I struggle to make sense of things.

cause feelings falter. yes they do.

complete!

My wall cabinet is complete! lots of sweat and time put into it and finally it's finished.. Mom had her doubts when I started the project, but it turned out okay .. just don't look too closely.. Now mom's suggesting we do the bathroom cabinet too..

Before:

After:

Content with the way my room is now.. just gotta clean up a little, got stuff lying around everywhere.. and maybe shop for some lights, curtains n stuff..

DIY is really tiresome.. but it's really fun too

Little platform for my macbook..

elevates it to my eye level and

keeps air circulating, preventing overheating:

keyboard, mouse other junk goes underneath..

cloth over.. presto everything is covered!

:)

night rest

Guard duty has taught me that a night's sleep is the best kind of sleep, especially when you're home.. undisturbed, I'm not gonna wake up in the middle of the night freezing because someone turned the temperature down to 16 deg.. neither do I have to wake up in the middle of a deep sleep (dazed and headaches) and drag my ass along the prowl route.

I never liked the idea of over sleeping, cause time is 'wasted' in a sense that I could be doing other interesting, more enriching stuff. I can never get over that feeling of 'a night's gone to waste' when I turn in early.. It always feels like there's something that needs to be finish.. but recently I more or less have submitted to the allure of my bed..

It's almost 1030.. I haven't been able to keep my focus on anything since 7.. I've been like.. tv -> book -> com -> guitar.. over and over, while my mind really is somewhere else... This is what multitasking does to you over time, it's BAD.. and it's distasteful.. and it gets me really agitated that I can't get where I want to get with any of the things I was doing.

So I'm giving myself a timeout.. going to bed early.. Part of me just wants to get in under the covers all warm and snugly.. that part's telling the other part.. : Whatever' is it thats keeping you awake, it can wait till tomorrow.

so good night!

good intentions

He was a good man, the good man, I'd never be able to waste him. No point even trying. My finger just wouldn't wrap itself around the trigger.

'Sorry, Mr. Grace," I whispered after a long while. "I just ... "

"you just can't kill me", he smiled. "thats okay. You're not the first you know. Two other guys have returned the envelope before you. I guess it's part of the curse.

"It's just that you, with the orphanage and all ..."

he shrugged. "and me getting weaker everyday. somehow I'd hope you could return the favor"

"sorry Mr. Grace," I whispered. I had tears in my eyes. "I wish I could..."

"don't feel bad," he said. "I understand. no harm done. leave it" he chuckled when he saw me pick up the tab. "coffee's on me. I insist. It has to be on me, you know. It's like a disease." I pushed the crumpled bill back in my pocket. Then I thanked him and walked away. After I'd taken a few steps, he called me. I'd forgotten the gun.

I went back to get it, cussing quietly to myself. Felt like a rookie. Three days later in Dallas, I shot some senator. It was a tricky one. From two hundred yards away, half a view, side wind. He was dead before he hit the floor.

its about the freedom

Taking the bus sucks.. though I've lived with it (in a very inaccessible place too) for the last 20 years, I always thought I would be able to continue living with it least till I'm old and can afford my own car..

Then there's the oil crisis, the world's running out, prices will soar.. blah blah.. After watching too much of channel 11 n 12, I decided that cars are not the thing for me, and that going green is cool. I'd even consider a bicycle.. a good one of course.. but then again I live in the middle of nowhere. If I were to live in the middle instead, I'd like the idea of me riding my bike wherever I go. but, I'd have to invent some sort of full-proof anti-theft device.. cause sadly, I've already lost 3 bikes to thieving bastards ..

Riding.. It's all about the freedom..

Then there's the motorbike. the thought of owning one always creep into my mind. It's affordable, carefree, thrilling, dangerous .. It's great. really, I think I'd make a pretty good rider too.. after all, I spent much of my childhood ignorantly racing on the double yellow lines.. I had a steady grip.. I didn't flinch when a bus cut me, I was always alert n checked every turn.. I still am.. Mom never knew, no family did.

like a dream

the mere idea would never be accepted, It wouldn't seem like me in the eyes of family.. and maybe they are right, but for the wrong reasons..

I care too much..

someday...

I've come a long way.. I've come a long way indeed I feel blessed.

I went from being a diver to a clerk.. to a store-man for a couple of days.. to a quartermaster.. and now word is I'm going to be a medic..

In the midst of all these, I realize it's not the job that matters to me. I have put effort into every one of those jobs, but truth is I only enjoyed the part where everything was new to me.

The troubling question of what will I do after my service has always been there.. I've had many crazy ideas, non that I would actually tell my parents about. I once picked up the back of a book about a girl who tried 40 entirely different jobs and thought to myself thats the kind of person I can see myself being.. but it just isn't feasible.. least it don't seem in this country..

and I think that was the reason why I took up multi-media.. It wasn't about the media, it was the multi.. though I always thought media work to be cool, well guess what.. I thought architecture was too, I thought environmental engineering was cool too.. so is civil.. or being an inventor..

after all I still don't know what I would do.. but whatever it is, the dream is to able to walk into my workplace everyday faced with something new.. exciting. someday......