Ripley's

earlier this afternoon I tried to cut my toenail (the big one), Believe it or not, the nail cutter not only failed to make a scratch on my toenail, it even snapped under the pressure..

I took this picture a couple of days ago. Look closely.. I've already point to the spot.. the lights aren't the only thing that looks really eerie.. and don't tell me that it is just the lighting and the trees..

the adolescent's paradox

It's the holidays now.. A time I used to look forward to in the past. Now I only hope it ends fast so that the little kids can go back to school and stop over populating the places I frequent..

Anyway.. I took the bus today, it was crowded with students. Yes, students in their uniforms. Mostly upper sec students from what I can tell.. they must have been called back by their school for wonderful holiday classes to prepare for exams.

They seem quite happy though. Happier than a man who has complete freedom (for now) and a decent sum to spend (also for now). I think it has something to do with the idea that the older you get the less happy you are.. or I could be suffering from a little depression.. maybe..

In the bus, I sat in front of a group of sec sch students.. My left ear piece was busted and I couldn't help but listen in on some of their conversation. (thats where I concluded that they seemed happy) Anyway, bits of memories came to me.. bittersweet.. If I could do it all again.. what would I change.. how would I do.. I'm not gonna be a cliche and say I wouldn't change a thing.. only happy people say that, and I'm not exactly a happy person right now. so many turns and drops, but I shan't say.

cause I know that we can only move forward.. It is unwise to think about what we can change about the past when there is so much more to change in the present.. To live without regret is to live in denial..

So to all everyone who isn't running short of youth yet.. don't ever let anyone tell you what you can't be. Don't ever let the fear of falling short of the mark stop you.. you get what I mean. and it's always good to get a head start, cause before you know it you'll be sitting here wondering. All my life, what have I done that I can truly be proud off..

Ah.. If only I knew better.. but I guess that's how I got here in the first place, by being a fool. I presume I still have a pretty long and hard life ahead. but you know what they say, you screw this one up, better luck next decade!

ps3

If ever the day comes that I decide to consider the idea of getting a ps3.. This will be the main reason for it..



But I've decided that I can actually live with myself for not playing this game. I just really want to know what happens..

happiness

7 ways to be happy for no reason.. or was it 8? Never mind.

A couple of days ago I picked up a book which supposedly is able to teach you how to be happy for no reason. I didn't read it throughly, I was more of flipping the book around, jumping sections like what I would normally do at a book store.

I didn't buy the $40 book even though in it's corny introductory statement it stated that money can buy happiness (on the contrary to what many people say), eg. by buying the book. I really don't know why people say money can't buy happiness. Either they're rich bastards who are never happy or they're old people who've experience all the happiness they can ever have without money.

Of course it's no guarantee that if by some mysterious force the amount of money I have is increased ten-fold that I'll become happier. I still will end up having the same shitty life and same shitty.. everything.. No guarantees, but you can't deny it's certainly gonna be hell lot easier 'fixing' this shitty life and turning everything around with lots more money.

Anyway, somewhere in the book it mentions something about human nature, that we always want more. So if someone got lucky and win the lottery, after all the excitement has worn out he might ask.. why didn't I bet more. The book also says real happiness comes from inside, not outside. meaning that all those happy feelings you got when you got first place in whatever competition, or the time you won a bet.. All fake.

I didn't read on to find out how the book thinks we should attain inner happiness. but I'm just gonna give my own answer. I guess it's gotta do with filling up your days, which I haven't really been doing well. It's kinda scientifically proven.. All those free time you spend at home rotting (or at work), you're gonna be a lot happier out there meeting people, friends, family doing something.. or even making casual conversation with strangers..

or you could just go looney and get high, I'm suddenly feeling happier now, for no reason.

oh hello friend

hey friend.. he called out to me and gestured for me to come over.. Baffled that a complete stranger just called out to me, I stood rooted for a second.. then decided that I would go over to discover his intentions..

The stranger put his hand on my shoulder and asked my name in slightly broken English. By now, I had dismissed the idea that he was a salesman trying to sell me something, he seemed really friendly, so what was he up to? I told him my name. The man nodded and spoke. 'you are Chinese'.........
...
..
.
It was a hot day today. and after the soccer match(I was just gonna die from the heat and exhaustion) it just got hotter. At home, I tried falling asleep with the fan at full speed blasting at me. It didn't really work, I still felt like burning from the inside and had terrible back pains. (the kind you get when you have a high fever, except I didn't have a fever.. it was more like heatz stroke)

So I stayed home till the sun had set. I felt like the heat was trapped in my house, so I went outside. and moments later... I ended up in Imm ..

so the story goes... I was strolling through the Sony shop.. where they had their laptops on display with their built in webcams active. The stranger was amused by the webcam, I know because I stopped for a second to look over his shoulder at the laptop. He must have saw me through the camera. Anyway, I continued walking and that's when he called out..

Stranger: Hey friend (and gestured his hand for me to come over)
I went over
the stranger gestured towards the laptop, I realized that he wanted to take a picture (well actually the camera was running on video mode.. I think..)
Stranger: What is your name?
I told him my name
We shook hands
Stranger: "You Chinese.."
Yes.. I nooded...
Stranger: "I Bangala"
He smiled at the camera.

It occurred to me that maybe he was preaching racial harmony?.. He then turned to a fellow Bangala beside him and told him about it, pointing towards the laptop.
I gave him a pat on the shoulder and say goodbye.

We live in a strange world don't you think? at one end of the spectrum, yet another Singaporean blogger got arrested for making racist remarks.. at the other end, a foreigner making peace..

tis

What do you make of yourself? Ever thought, it could be quite scary. My mind often wanders too far off for it's own good, and now I'm faced with the question, what have I made of myself?.. what will I make of myself.

This often leads to me starring into spaces for short periods and I'm not even gonna try to sleep now.. Then I think about the near future, what do I expect, how do I get there. How do I not die. The question here is 'how to not die', and not 'how to survive'.. There's a clear difference if you haven't noticed yet.

So all these thoughts swirling around, I get ideas.. probably about 40% will make sense.. out of that 40%, about 20% will be 'fit to try'.. and outta that 20% possibly only bout 5% will work and amount to something.. Great, I have an average 0.4% chance of not dying. prematurely. I must be pretty lucky, been beating the odds for 2 decades now.

Truth is, I always imagine myself in the near future. Imagine what I'd be doing, how am I gonna get out of a mess I just got myself in, wonder if I'll change.. Wonder if everything will change.. Imagine I make an amazing breakthrough and become all that I wish to be. No actually thats being greedy, I usually only imagine myself finding success in any one aspect of my life, sometimes even just on one goal alone. Sadly things never turn out as what I optimistically imagine (if they did, wouldn't I be predicting the future now?).

Life doesn't work that way, they say you succeed in one thing, the rest will follow through; but fail in one and everything crumbles.. Very true, and I'm not talking about any one thing, more specifically; money. You disagree? Let me remind you, TIS; this is Singapore.

Now I'm not very keen on selling my soul for money.. I'm jobless anyway.. I think I'm more of a survivalist. remember "how not to die".. but it seems in this dying world, it's almost like you have to kill or be killed. In other words, rise to the top or be crushed. So it looks like I'm gonna have sell my soul soon or later or step up and come up with a brilliant plan. Which is awfully scary..

Question is, how and when..

" three thousand miles north east
i left all my friends at the morning bus stop shaking their heads.
"what kind of life you dream of? you're allergic to love."
yes i know but i must say in my own defense
it's been undeniable dear to me, i don't know why
when every other part of life seemed locked behind shutters
i knew the worthless dregs we are "

The holiday

So I just got back from my one day holiday on a cruise ship. It's funny what a day at sea can do to you, it's almost like a day at sea doesn't account for any time at all (am I making any sense here?).

Maybe it had something to do with not sleeping and having too many drinks or the fact that I just wasted all my efforts trying to restore my biological clock.. (one night champions league, one night on a cruise.. but it feels like yesterday, like as if time had stop of more sensibly; like I just lost my sense of time. oh look, it's dark now.. I thought it was burning bright just a minute ago?

The most common question asked: Was it fun? Certainly, I would tell you I had a time. but for some reason I can only vaguely remember the details. You could try asking my fellow holiday goers if you know them. maybe they'll tell you more, but whatever you hear or see (from pictures that probably won't make much sense to you at all) won't add up. Cause going on a holiday, is like going to an alternate universe. Between the real world and alternate one, you'll have to see for yourself to understand..

The Irony

I have issues, I find it very odd sometimes. I can't really say for sure what it is about, but something is defiantly wrong. I don't think you're getting this, people in general won't get this. People are always being so vague. and why would someone make like they're having fun when they actually aren't. I don't get it. you know what the problem is? you know.. It's always the same old problem, comes back to haunt you every time. It's like a bad habit you can't kick. You think you got it all, but you don't.. the Irony of life. now what was my problem again? Can anyone tell me? what the fuck the problem is? come on! fancy a guess? A problem can't be solved if it can't be addressed!



ps. now this is meant as a joke/riddle.. I don't really have no fucked up problem. but the above is open to your interpretations..

Australia

I'm bored out of my mind.

Does anyone want to go to Australia?


Actually the song has little to do with Australia (the song's title is Australia) except for the fact it was recorded there or something. but the song makes a very interesting point.. Go look at the lyrics and read for yourself.

It looks fun, what they're doing in the video. Maybe I should try it.. now where do I get a van and 4 other balloon-lovin people to help me out.. hmm.. I wonder..

Well look here until then
They gonna buy your life's time
So keep your wick in the air
And your feet in the fetters 'till the day...

The Zoo

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them he becomes and adult...
-Alden Nowlan

That being said, I think some people can live through their lives and never become an adult.

but I would say that to forgive is kinda far out, rather one should learn to accept that everyone has their flaws. Surely in a person's transition to adulthood they're gonna meet some bastard or bitch who seem to enjoy ruining other people's life for no apparent reason.. Now if you read that and went, 'yea there are fuckers out there who just want to make things difficult for other people' you're probably an adolescent. Now I don't care if you're 40 years old and reading this, you're an adolescent. =p

We have to change our perspective a little. People don't actually want to make things difficult for you. (unless they hate you and are out to get you, which must be partly your own fault that someone hates you.) More often is that, people want to make things easy for themselves and end up making them difficult for you. The classic, ignorant baffon, self-centered selfish chap, they never get anywhere.. Unfortunately, the World is not black and white.. and being too nice also gets you no where.

Everyone is flawed. The hardest part is to see past their stupid actions and realize from a different perspective that maybe they aren't so bad after all. but like I said it's hard and sometimes (from my perspective) impossible. So I guess that makes me an adolescent.

37

This sucks, being ill. Especially in this kind of weather. I haven't had any proper sleep since 2 nights ago with disturbing headaches, coughs and my nose going off all the time. It must be some kind of miracle that I'm recovering. I was going to turn myself in to the doctor's office today, but my fever and sore throat went away. The best sore throat remedy is to chew on a red chili, trust me it works. Somehow.. And for my running nose, I had some acid poured into my nose to dissolve the mucus. I don't recommend you try the second. I still feel kinda shitty all over.

Anyway, I saw Felicia Chin today while waiting for the bus which took about 40 minutes to arrive. It's really hot out there, and it doesn't help that the seats at the bus stop is made of metal.

So anyway, while waiting for my bus to arrive, tons of other buses passed. I looked in one and holy, is that ..?! and she was looking back at me, so I instinctively looked away cause mama taught me that it's rude to stare at strangers, even if they're pretty strangers.

The bus left, I took one more glance.. and you know, I've always had this idea that if you look at a person or their reflection through a partially reflective glass plane, they always look prettier cause the reflective gleam makes them look more radiant and it hides all flaws. She was wearing a white blouse.

Well at least in having to wait so long in this bloody hot weather for a bus, I got to see Felicia Chin. In actual fact, I doubt it's her but it doesn't really matter. It's almost impossible that it was her, considering the time and location. Remember that I live in the middle of no where, where nothing interesting ever happens. but I guess that more of a good thing cause now I know that the pretty-stranger could very well be living in my estate.

the unexpected

Have you ever had one of those moments, when something someone said or did, or just the way the person is just made you stop, and it changed the world around you.. gave you a new perspective, inspired you to become a better person...

People affect one another, more than we realize. The more you spend time with someone, the more alike you become.. To some extend you even grow to look alike, which is why old people (married couples) usually look alike.. So it's really no coincidence that your 10 year long buddy has all the same likes and dislikes as you.

now back to the question asked, the answer is probably a no. These things don't happen in a moment, an instant. By the time you realize, years would've pass. If it did happen in an instant and you know it, you should marry that person. but anyway, time would've pass and if you still have the chance to, don't forget to mention..
- you changed my world

the box

"what we deem normal is culturally constructed"

People just love to build. They love to build boxes and they trap themselves in their little boxes, and it's perfectly fine cause it's normal. It's so hard to step outside the box, even when you think you have stepped out of a box, you step right into another one. It's endless. just go to your boxes, you know you want to.

It's scary.. We're all stuck in boxes.. boxes other people built for us, boxes we built to trap ourselves in cause we're made to believe we weren't good enough, boxes that was constructed from thousands of years ago and we're still trapped in it. and you will think.. sooner or later someone's gonna try to tear down these 'boxes'.. yes someone will try but if they succeed, they won't be free, they'll just be trapped in yet another box.

Just take a look at the ERA - equal rights act. For so long, all women were trapped in a box society created. now by slowly destroying that box, they've opened hell lots of other boxes that will slowly grow and devour us once again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that women shouldn't have equal rights, I'm just citing an example of this 'box' theory.

The only way that all hell won't break loose sooner or later in this 'boxed' world, is that people stop judging one another and start loving.. Yes.. I said the L word, I'm not gay neither am I a hippie.. (if you even had the slightest thought of that, it would mean you're stuck the box that says 'society has it that real men do not express their feelings')

that would also mean to not think that a guy is the ultimate gay even though he dresses and acts like one. which is virtually impossible. So I guess we're all doomed.. Yep even Nostradamus would agree, doomsday... this century.. its all happening..

so I guess since we're doomed, we might as well kick back and party our lives away.

bits and pieces

Ever wondered what is like to get blown to bits and pieces? would you even feel anything at all? maybe if your head was still intact you would still be able to have one last thought before the blood runs out through your neck. what would that last thought be?.. 'ahh dammit, my arm is so far away'

I heard from somewhere a long time ago (vaguely remember) that a dying man wanted to experiment if a severed head could still function.. His plan was to have his assistant ask him questions while he answered by moving his eyes up and down or left and right. Somehow he managed to have his head rigged to some contraption which supplied blood to his severed head. his experiment was a success, and death followed.

anyway, I started writing this post thinking of the bits and pieces I have.. metaphorically.. not any sick idea of 'bits and pieces' you might have in your head.. but I thought the above would be far more interesting for you to read then what I might have to say about the bits and pieces of my very flawed life and character.. so there, I just sparred us all a mind-fuck.

go straight to hell

Speak of the devil, it is confirmed. on 10 Sept I'll have to report to Sembawang camp at 8am.. I'm not too thrilled about it, 8am!? c'mon..

I wonder what my last night on earth will be like, I know a few of you are grinning right now cause I'm going to hell, and you probably think I deserve it. Its a Tuesday night, my bags would've been packed more or less.. I'm making sure I don't forget anything.. I can't sleep.. I think I shall spend my last week on earth in total isolation, I'll lock myself in a cage.. That way when I actually go to hell, I'll be locked in a much bigger cage, therefore it won't seem so bad..

Then maybe I'll smuggle some contraband in, just for the excitement that they could actually throw me in jail for anything of that sort. Maybe I'll get one of those disguised cameras and shoot a documentary; undercover, what goes on inside Singapore's elite units. It'll be so dangerous, which all the more makes in extremely fun..

I have a crazy imagination, and the real world don't always live up to it. but I guess thats why people imagine, cause the real world never lives up to expectations.

Life of the lifeless

I hope people will stop asking me what I'm going to do with my life. Yes, I realize that I haven't received any enlistment letters yet and it is only 'most probably' that they will call me up soon to Sembawang camp where I'll do my time. Most probably, it isn't die hard for sure, but I can live with that.. I also can live with the fact that right now I don't have any certain plans for the future nor do I have a job.

Yep, you could put your money on the fact that I'm probably gonna end up as a screwup.. Or you could have some faith and believe I'll somehow get rich and successful with a lot grit (possibly some luck) and a gung-ho approach to life. I figured, hey I'm 20, rescued myself from certain death a couple of times already.. I bet I can keep on doing this..

Fact is people get tired of life.. and when they do, they end up killing themselves. It might not be instant shoot-yourself-in-the-head-suicide.. but excessive alcohol/drug intake, living like a vampire or any of that kinda crap sorta qualifies as killing yourself too.

Now I'm really tired of life, I guess the sensible thing to do is not to kill myself but to just drop everything. Don't carry any weights, don't even think of carrying the weight of the world. just drop it, it could be the best thing you've done in your life cause nature has it that things will restore itself, and it's just liberating. Oh, and thats assuming you weren't trying to control nature in the first place.

Heck, even if you were indeed carrying the whole world on your shoulders, no one would be left to blame you even if you somehow dropped it!

-If we're leaving we don't stop livin', you know
-Franz Ferdinand

anonymous nightmare

I have been having weird dreams for the past few days, and I don't remember any one of them. This morning I woke up to a nightmare, and it stayed in my head, it was so clear it shocked me. It was like one of those M. Night shyamalan movies where the 'thing' that was after me never revealed itself. It was dark, I was hiding out at home.. Doors and windows all locked.. Then suddenly I saw that the door was open. no one was near the door, it would seem like it opened by itself. I began shouting, who the fuck opened the door! close it! damn it, close it! ~

I woke up to my phone vibrating on my table, but I didn't move a muscle. I was wide awake, I knew I just had a nightmare and was still pretty shaken up about it.

After a couple of seconds laying still, the noise was starting to annoy me. I got up and grabbed my phone. Who the hell would call me at this time? I thought it must have been about 5 am in the morning. The curtains were drawn and I didn't realize that the sun was rising, it was 7. I looked at my phone and saw that it was an unknown number. I never answered.

I'm scarred, who's not?

"Every parent in their lifetime must have caused some form of emotional damage to their children, but the fact is they could've done so much worst.."
-Doctor Cox

Now the question here is.. has your's done so yet? I'm sure they have.. but maybe you're just an adorable sweet little thing and you love your parents to death and vice-versa and have absolutely no doubts.. As for me, I can't imagine how long a list I could make up from the things I wish that were and were not. but then.. if things were different, I'd probably end up being a completely different person.. I wouldn't know if it would be better or worst. nobody knows..

For instance, maybe they could've worked less, and wouldn't have to leave me to the care of a maid since my earliest memories, but that would also mean we would be less well-off and thus a less comfortable life.

Fact is, you can't get everything right. gee this is really weird, I can't believe I'm writing about this, I shall stop here. There are just some things, I can't.. I don't want to admit. I wish to live in ignorance, I grew up in a pretty comfortable lifestyle anyway.. my whole life has been great and will be great. I guess I'm just fucked, but anyway.. who isn't?

The slacker

If you were one of those people who've asked me this past week, 'gee Mark, what have you been up to?'.. and haven't really gotten a definite answer, I'm here to explain..

It's ironic, right after I quit my job.. at least 5 people came up to me and said 'you'll be slacking a lot now eh... ' or something of that sort.. Not true though, I remembered having quite a busy first 2 weeks after I quit.. Doing what? Never mind that cause right now the answer to the first question would be .. 'hmmerh... you know.. nothing much really.. just.. erhmm here.. and there.. yea.. what about you? ' So yea.. I bet you've heard. I've been promoted.. To a full time slacker now..

I can't deny that, for one I feel tired all the time.. Yep that's the most prominent symptom of a slacker.. you feel tired all the time.. please don't bluff yourself into thinking, that hard work is why you feel tired all the time.. Hardworking people don't feel tired, it's why they're called hardworking. Everyone's down and out and they're still up and running, full of energy..

So feeling tired, I spend most of the day on my couch trying not to move too much. If I'm feeling good, I just might pick up a book and read it while laying there. I'm actually reading a book called 'Extraordinary healing' now. So far I haven't really motivated myself to reading past the introduction, so don't ask me what the book is about. As far as I know it's about 'extraordinary healing'

Besides that, I've also been watching a couple of movies which I didn't know existed until recent poking around the net.. 'The last kiss' starring Zach Braff.. and 'Garden State' also starring Zach Braff, best known as the lead actor in scrubs. Also my favorite actor.

Sadly though, I've hardly been practicing any of my musical instruments. I guess I just lost all motivation in life to ever follow through on anything. Yet another dangerous sign of a full fledge slacker.. pretty soon I might even lose motivation to update with interesting and meaningful posts for my fellow slackers to read about.

I can't say a certain someone or anyone influenced me into this lack of motivation and lifelessness. Yep this time I've only got myself to blame..


I hope you've have enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing it!