hello hari raya

lately I've grown accustomed to the habit of shaking my head in disappointment and mumbling 'idiot' to the person beside me .. that's cause in NS, no matter where you go (i bet even command school), there'll always be people who'll do something utterly stupid and unnecessary which will eventually lead to the whole lot of us getting into trouble.. damn! grow up.. or just grow some brains.. 

I for one can't admit to be totally grown up or mature.. just ask my platoon mates they'll know that I have spells of craziness from time to time.. difference is, I know how to switch it off instantly when the time comes.. (ie commander walks by) In other words, I know how to put on a good show..

anyway, it's good to be home once again.. I don't celebrate hari raya, there are 0 malays in my camp.. hmm that just means I'm a happy man right now.. hah.. 

What's left to talk about now other then ns.. ns is my life 5 days a week.. what else could I possibly talk about.. whats going on now? what are the latest shows, movies, music, games whatever.. where the hell do I start.. 

It just sucks to be in this state. I'm rotting inside.. oh and my knees are starting to rot too, apparently from too much running jumping squatting and other kinds of shit.. I wonder how long it'll hold out.. I think I'm gonna start taking some supplements before it rots beyond repair.

life is pretty sad now when I look at the big picture.. 

Been getting hammered everyday.. many times for some stupid reasons.. but anyway, thats life.. First book in was just fucked up.. It's not like I got sian once I saw the camp.. It's after getting hammered again on the first night (I can't really remember what happened though. lol) only then did the thoughts come .. oh fucked I'm here again.. getting f-up again.. 

where's my motivation?.. 

why am I here?.. it doesn't feel like there's a real purpose behind this.. 

where did she disappear to? I can't help but wonder sometimes.. (gee maybe a goodbye would have been nice)

but then again, I can't do anything.. lan lan lah.. 

I'm just a chao recruit .. booked in, sian oso dunno sian because of what..

at least training is quite enjoyable.. sometimes...

and for now... I can enjoy the fact that I'm home again! 

1 thing about serving ns. you get to know yourself better..

most time spent at home: playing guitar.. nope, not watching tv.. playing games or whatever.. just playing guitar.. 

person I miss most: my mom (yeahh I'm a mama's boy.. heh)

I also found that my piano playing skills improved. yea wtf? i haven't been playing.. maybe all those pull ups strengthened my fingers and gave me better muscle control.

oh.. and I was also sabo-ed into becoming the ic for my batch for the 1st weekend.. but now that I think of it, the guy who sabo-ed me did me a favor.. cause, the pressure to fuck up and make mistakes wasn't there.. the good people there would've forgiven me as it was the 1st week of bmt.. but of course I didn't fuck up anyway..

besides being ic was quite fun.. I got to use my brains more.. 

seems like yesterday, I still remember the last meal I had outside as a civilian.. strangely I found it's receipt yesterday, in my locker while packing up.. I must have kept it in my wallet and it fell out.. I put it back in my wallet..

sigh.. still a long way to go.. 

I don't really have much to say now, cause a week of ns has turned me into a mindlessz soul.. It's no wonder they say that the girls are smarter then the guys.. cause every guy here goes to ns..

Hello I'm back..

It's funny when a sargent tells you about what you supposed to do tomorrow and next thing you know.. the officer comes out and tells you.. no tomorrow, tonight you'll be seeing your families.. there could've been a tear in my eye when I heard that..

I had gotten used to the idea of staying in, I was thinking hey.. I could go on for another week..(cause inland confinement is a week shorter then those in tekong).. but the idea of seeing my family again.. after confinement. was all new.. 

well.. what sucks is that I actually have 'homework' or things I have to do before I book in again.. or I'll get into some deep shit.. anyway.. being a trainee in ndu.. isn't that bad.. I don't really know how tough is it as compared to training in tekong.. but it sure beats being stuck on an island all day.. The food is good, you won't get ordered around by some guy younger than you who just wants revenge cause he was tekan-ed before.. I get to wear pt attire like all the time, as opposed to always needing to wear the no.4 u in tekong..

I'm probably going to sleep soon.. as for the lack of sleep for the past week.. (i thought army promised 7hrs of sleep on a normal training day?!.... guess what.. I'm not in the army, I'm in the navy... )

so..

goodnight..

Thank you everyone. No, really.. Especially those who called me out this past few days just to say hello how are you..  

Given my mood, I wouldn't have bothered to do anything.. but going out and having fun certainly help me forget all my worries.. I'm carefree now.. I know once I go to bed, the next morning i'll be in camp.. but it doesn't really bother me now.. I had my fun, the good times.. the unforgettable moments...  but now I know it's time to get serious. 

and oh this is anything but the end (for this blog too!).. for one, I'm sure I'll return with lotsa interesting stories.. besides I'm sure you've grown quite tired of reading about my insecurities and crazy mood swings from the past week.. though you'll have to wait a couple of weeks before you'll see anything new here.. oh well..

salutations. It's been a wonderful life..

you will hear from me again.

Mk. out ...

before I go

Dammit. really just dammit.

well, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.. tomorrow morning I become an ns man. tomorrow evening, those who went before me become trained soldiers.

alas, I can only wish for one more weekend.. at least then I could eat moon cakes and burn stuff in celebration of mid autumn festival...

anyway.. some random pics from my holiday...

In my room....

me stoning...

...

this is it

So I went to get my bike back from kai.. cycling always makes me feel so free, like I could fly.. but now that I got my bike back home, I don't think it'll be going anywhere anytime soon.. This is it.. getting my bike back was perhaps the last thing left on my unofficial list of things I wanted to do before going in.. I'm done.. 

anyway.. I think going in does weird things to people.. In my case it certainly does.. went to church with my parents the other day and I was telling mom about how it kinda sucks that everyone around was all .. " hey dun be sad lah.. dun be sian lah.. be careful lah.." cause it really doesn't help your mood.. (though it's a nice gesture lah..) then I told her not to worry, but to trust that I can take care of myself..  but anyway.. for the first time in a very long time.. I held my mom..  (last time I did that I was a kid..) 

It's ironic.. I think ns has brought me closer to alot of people, and pretty soon they're gonna pull me apart.. oh, and how odd that ling msned me.. cause I myself was going to msn her on the count of it's been awhile since we spoke.. hah... kinda nice surprise there.. and my uncle came to visit me too.. and ya know.. these are just the kind of little things that make my (last few) days. (see I told you ns did weird things to me, now I'm all cheesy)

So for what it's worth.. I now face ns with a stronger motivation.. 

So there goes my last weekend as a free man..

I had a blast.. thanks to all my friends and family.. 

Now that all the fun's over.. I guess I'll just rot for the next 2 days in preparation.. they say what is already dead can't be killed.. so I guess if I rot enough and die.. I actually won't die... hahahaha.. No.

one of the worst parts of going in is how people around you start to act like you're dying... HEY! it's not like we won't meet again.. If I said, I'll cyah around, we will meet again. I promise.. (if not, just shoot me)

so in the end, I guess I gotta stop being this whinny kid and start acting like a man.. which kinda sucks.. but then again.. no way in hell is this whinny (some say sappy) kid gonna make it through alone.. 

I accidentally clicked my mac's time machine icon just now.. seeing the words 'time machine', it gave me a weird sensation.. maybe because deep down inside, I wished that I could have a real time machine..

one time machine.. endless possibilities.. even if it means I travel back as a ghost.. unable to do anything but watch the past unfold.. it would make for a great.. adventure.. 

so I close my eyes and trying to re-live.. the sights and sounds.. the feelings.. taste.. smell... but unlike the real world.. once I open my eyes.. everything vanishes along with the realization that the present.. is now... this is it. 

Just now on the way home I saw an ah-beng...

he was kissing a girl.. who didn't look too lian to me. but anyway, the girl was up against some railings.. I could see as I was walking in the direction towards them. she seemed to be backing up a whole lot and pushing away.. while the beng pushed his face up against hers really forcefully.. 

I wasn't really starring or anything.. hell I wasn't even watching.. but his actions, the movements were so forceful, and not subtle it made it impossible for anyone in the vicinity not to notice..

I continued walking.. and as I walk past (behind them).. I had a sudden urge (for some reason) to smack the guy's head.. Ok.. the girl clearly didn't like what he was doing..

and so waved the faithful arm... up into the air.. I let it strike down, down upon nothingness.. so true to my Singaporean nature, I reasoned.. It's not my business what! how true.. I wouldn't expect anyone to, or even have the thought of doing so..

so in the end.. the blockhead will continue being a blockhead.. oh well, I hope the girl knees him in the balls or something.. 

Watched wall-e last night.. It's good, one of the best animation films I've seen..

went to wala for a couple of drinks after... and in my state of sleepiness, intoxication and erratic emotions.. I blabbered whole lot of crap in realization about how I was feeling 1 week from ns.. he probably forgot 80% of what I said by now.. but hey, I still think it's worth a mention here.. so here goes..

I think the past few months have been most meaningful.. and it doesn't feel forced either.. It's not like.. ohh I'm gonna go in.. i must do this.. i must do that.. It's more like.. okay.. I'm gonna have myself a good time.. here's what I wanna do.. 

I said I would still do it.. i'm 75% sure.. if knowing all that I've been through, all that has happened.. and knowing where I stand today.. I think it's worth that I'll still do it.. you're starting to think I've lost my mind.. well.. this' just the tip of the iceberg..

I also said that I kinda liked being in this position.. though it totally sucks.. I like how I sometimes feel like crying but I laugh instead.. I like how my mood swings from up to down like crazy.. it give me drive.. and that I feel like I have to be stronger.. It changes the way I see things... (okay now you think I'm crazy) 

I feel pretty fortunate..

yup...

the mission

okay.. I know it's a little early (no. I'm kidding myself)

but it's never too early to start a list, a list for my 2 year vaction.. hehe.

my mission.... my mission is to...

1. Come out alive in one piece.. no broken limbs, ruptured organs or what not, serious stuff.. broken fingers are fine, but preferably not (i still want to play my guitar and piano!)

2. don't out of course (ooc)... for whatever shitty reasons (yet again.. no serious injuries n stuff).. occ is bad.. I've decided, if I'm gonna do this, it's gonna be till the end.. so failure is not an option.. 

3. Be the best damn diver ever.. well, this one's a little overboard I know.. but I'll be aiming to ace whatever tests they can throw at me..

Alright.

sigh... 

sometimes.. I think of what it's like when I'll be stuck in camp (8 more days), thinking of the outside world, thinking of the people I'd miss..

But I guess it's nicer to dream about the outside world and think of all the people I'd miss, even though it just might add on the heartache.. then to sit here and think about the many ways I could be suffering in camp..

cause once I'm in there I can't wait to get out,and I imagine being the person that I am I would be dreaming of every night.. but while I'm still out, I can't seem to hold on to any happy thought for too long.. 

so dream.. I could be the happiest I've ever been. It's just that simple.. I've mentioned.. The wait... the anticipation is always the worst.. now it can work both ways...

the wait.. the anticipation.. will be the best..

*Edit*

Just thought I'd add a little happy video to cheer things up..

this songs always gets to me.. hehe