I saw a cute couple just now, well the girl was cute and the guy.. hm at least he didn't seem like a fucker, paikia, mat etc etc.. They were at the other end of the bus stop as I was..

They were talking, and in my boredom I wasn't eavesdropping or anything and thats why I won't, I mean can't tell you what they were talking about. The girl turned and gave the guy a peck on his cheek. How cute, I turned away. but could still see them from the reflection off the bus which just stopped in front of us.

I didn't turned away because I was afraid they'd notice me looking at them which would've lead to everyone in the bus-stop feeling awkward. I was jealous, perhaps maybe just a little.. and lonely too I think. You know like how people sway their head away, make a little fist and go 'damn it'.. I was doing that.. except I didn't say damn it out loud and probably didn't make a fist either.

yea yea, so I kinda, or almost really wished there was someone there beside me who'd give me a little kiss and keep me company. better yet if it was a cute girl. Instead I sat there listening to my mp3 player, cool wind blowing in my face. I sat there feeling like I was being eroded.

I sat realizing how this face had become so numb, so apathetic. So often I'd find myself consciously smiling or frowning just so it'd seem like I wasn't totally stoned. It's what I've done to myself, it's what every ns man serving in a special unit faces.

Had lunch with the family at Harbor city restaurant today..

As usual, Dad who'd take care of the grandkids on weekdays had new interesting stories to tell. All the adults (and me, soon to be) sat there and listen.. We laughed at some of the funny things the kids (my nephew and niece) did and at the same time marveled at how seemingly intelligent kids are nowadays.. I sat there feeling like I was 25, even though right here right now. 25 still feels like a hell long way to go.. I'm probably a little young for an uncle. 

anyway.. Dad was telling about how a girl from Brandon's (my nephew) class held his hand. and his girlfriend saw it and went to scold the girl.

' hey! Brandon is my good friend okay! you cannot hold his hand! '

she yanked the girl's hand off of Brandon's. The girl's mother was standing nearby and she shook her head.. oh and Brandon is in K1 and he's one of only two boys in his class.

why am I telling you this? hm I'm not sure why. perhaps this uncle's thinking. Hey I may suck at pickin up chicks but at least my nephew totally rocks at it. Hah in your face.

bluff

My company went for imt (the range simulator, the one like an arcade game) the other day.  I was done with all the shooting and was waiting for the rest in the briefing room. So I just came into the room and sat down and my platoon mate beside me told me. 

'eh just now got one fuckin big mosquito flying around sia, damn scary' 

so I asked. how big?

he showed me how big using the area of his palm as a gauge. I asked again. ' really? so big, you sure it's a mosquito? ' some of the other guys beside were exclaiming that yea, it was indeed that big and well it didn't look like anything else but a mosquito.

so I thought, okay.. interesting..

awhile later.. I noticed what seemed to be some sort of dust ball flying around the area.. it landing on my knee and I took a closer look.. zomg wtf is that. 

giant mosquito? wtf it's body was bout 4 times the size of what you normally see and what was more impressive was it's leg span. probably bout 4-5 cm. I freaked and waved my hand at it and it flew to someone else.. eventually the thing would fly between someone else's legs who would then choose to close them at the very moment.. splat.. dead giant mosquito.

i wondered what would've happened if it had stung anyone. so maybe it wasn't a mosquito after all.. but some weird alien bug..

stuck with me

It's the same every weekend or so.. I start to feel shitty again cause I know that I'm stuck. now you start to see why people say you waste 2 years of your life. 

sure, you can say you learn stuff, meet new people, make friends, experience new things in ns.. did it ever occur to you that thats what people do in their normal lives? and at the same time make so much more progress in life? now the whole 'experience' thing sounds more like a consolation then a plus point. 

but it's just 2 years isn't it? precisely. It is 2 years, there's no life's investment in this.. it's 2 years and bam! it stops, you throw it all away.. start a new life.. thats how much of a waste it is, and thats not even the worst part.

I liked my freedom.. to roam about, the excitement of waking up everyday not knowing how the day's gonna end.. the idea that I could wake up tomorrow and start something that would change my life for the better. but now I'm stuck with the idea there's nothing I can do. there's nothing I can freaking do for a freaking long time. cause smart ideas now will only land me in yet another cage. the last thing I need right now..

I need something to happen.. but all I can do is wait around. I hate waiting around.. I need to be on site, ground zero.. being able to do something. but my life is being sucked away.. question is.. how?

20th century

I watched 20th century boys..

Okay, I had no idea what was the movie about, I didn't even know it was in japanese till I was buying the tickets and saw a bracketed 'japanese' beside the title.. I didn't know it was based on a manga until the show ended.. fortunately too, for I just might have enjoyed the show a little less had I known..

so obviously this isn't like any of the movies most people are used to seeing, so it might get a little weird, maybe distasteful.. but still I found it really entertaining.. The characters were likable though they seemed to following a pretty absurd story line which surprisingly kept me awake throughout.. I think I'm just being biased cause of how I like the way the movie is presented.. reminds me of those japanese rpg games I used to play.. err... final fantasy anyone ? hah..

but what I love most about stories like these are the characters. They always face overwhelming odds.. they always have an unrealistically undying will to never give up. and they always manage to draw their motivation from some from of ideal, a personal belief they so strongly hold onto, it becomes like eluding reality.. thats the human spirit..

I think we all can take something away from this. especially me, since my life is basically shitty till the day I get my pink ic back again. So hey, we can always 'bluff' ourselves or rather believe that it's actually worth it to cling onto some sort of hope everyday (if it makes us a better person, happier too) that somehow, someway I'm gonna make tomorrow a better day.

yea, I know I need a break.. not a single weekend kind of break.. but more like a whole week's kinda break.. funny thing is, I only think I need a long break, when I'm on a break. the verdict - I just don't wanna go back. 

Falling sick while serving Ns is just horrible..

life is hard..

but..  for today..

I'm on..

LEAVE !

They let everyone go home.. cause there's some important event going on

so lucky me..

Still sick... but getting better fast..

I haven't been reading alot. books, news whatevers..

 I don't have to explain, you all know why.

but this is something worth the couple of minutes reading.. 

Rule #1.. I don't bring the work back to my home.. what's my work now? I'm an NS man.. and I find it really irritating to see friends acting (or play-acting) like their still in camp while they're already outside.. it just doesn't fit right.

so.. We've hit the halfway mark for bmt.. can't say I'm looking forward to the near future.. what's there to look forward to? ask me 6 weeks ago, I could answer that with ease.. Now I guess, the mental fatigue has gotten to me.. I'm jaded..

anyway, I'm moving on now. (yes I'm talking about my deep deep, or not so deep crush) It's not like my dreams of 'my idea of my ideal girl' was crushed like a slap to the face with a wet fish. It simply faded away, like an open wound which bled out so slowly you probably wouldn't even notice.

and no, I did not resort to stalking.. ok, maybe just a little but with no intent.. I'm just me. I explore truths, I gather intelligence, I process the data .. In my own little way, life goes on.

I've convinced myself.. 

the very fact that I've hit the little orange button below proves it.

so cheers to that, I'm going out now to have some fun.

pee in the river

Don't pee in the river.

if you're gonna do it, don't be in the amazon.

No it's not because of bad karma or anything of that sort.. here is why.

so remember.. don't pee in the river.

laughter

sometimes in camp, I seem to laugh for no reason.. especially when the going gets tough.. some look at me and wonder if the training's too tough and it's made me lost my mind.. others smile back and laugh with me. 

Laughter is a good way to cover up one's weakness, and hide pain.. I'm not saying I'm always in pain when I laugh.. cause sometimes I really do laugh for no reason, while deep inside my sub-conscience mind I'm probably thinking of some sick twisted humor. 

Then one day I was standing outside my bunk for stand-by-bed inspection.. As usual, we would fool around and challenge each other to do 'stunts' when ever the instructor goes into the other bunks and no one's watching us. I usually can't be bothered.. I'd just try to get some eye shut for a moment, stretch around, relax a little, sometimes sing to myself.. and laugh at some of the ridiculous things people do to get attention.. (yes there are attention seekers in my platoon) and so yea.. at one point I couldn't stop laughing.. damn bunk mate had to go squeeze my nipples to get a hold of me, and even then I was gasping to stop.

laughing makes people happy.. It made me happy. I also realized how it helped me remember the people outside.. I could picture you laughing right now, your face.. your smile.. and that could make me laugh more.

a smile or laugh could take just one second.. but the memory of it can last for an eternity..

I miss your smile. I miss your laughter even more. and whenever I laugh, I can see you laughing with me..

hooya.

yet another ns man died... the 4th one this year..

1 minute of silence...

it's mighty sad, the cause of death is unknown.. according to the news.. it's just like he dropped dead. but no one can know for sure what happened..

it's even worse that he spent his last days in ns.. from what I heard, he was always struggling to keep up with training..

..