off I go now

no one told me that leaving home gets harder every week.

I thought this kinda thing supposed to get easier as time goes by..

I may have felt different just about an hour ago, and will probably feel different tomorrow.. but right now, this very minute. I just want to die. It's a incomprehensible feeling, trust me. 

I have so little yet so much, to stand for to believe in..

oh and happy birthday wherever you are. 

takes a deep breathe.. sigh and off I go..

Work life

I used to think work life is pretty boring. you go to an office in the morning, grab a morning beverage and start off slow. At lunch you head down to the nearby food center with your colleagues, head back to the office feeling full and sometimes (mostly) sleepy and whine about how much more work you gotta complete. and by evening.... well you get the idea.

put it this way and it will be boring. but I forgot to mention the many interesting things that can and will happen everyday. like the side quests that make a good rpg game great, little things happen that'll make life a little less boring, (just watch the office).

Ns life isn't even close to being half as fun. The answer lies in the moment when your boss ask you. why did you choose to join our company?

and moments later, he tries to salvage the situation by opening with the classic..

' now since you're all stuck here anyway... '

welcome back to dreamland 2

Ok this is probably an effect from feeling so bloody exhausted.. but yea once again, I feel like I'm in a 'fake' world. like one of those mmorpgs and I'm a character in it. someone out there is controlling my actions, I have absolutely no life.

maybe this is how ns desensitizes us to feel absolutely lifeless hence become mindless killing machines to support a war effort should the need ever arise..

anyway, it's been a really hard week.. and people all over are already telling me, 'eh how ar.. I want to quit ah.. cannot tahan liao' can't say the thought never crossed my mind, for I too am hanging on for life, praying every night that I'll be granted peace of mind.

this all feels so surreal..

West Coast plaza is open. It looks completely different from before, lots of cafes, restaurant cramped into a tiny mall.. So it's a disappointment, but maybe because only half the shops are open now. and that the only free time I have to chill there is the time where all the cafes are packed. the weekends, bummer. 

At least the Christmas deco and the jingles did lighten my mood a little. I can still remember last Christmas like it was yesterday.. this coming holiday will be a memorable one as well. for I'd have been to hell and back only to be tossed back into hell again for 5 days, finally to see the light waiting for me at new years.

I can't wait for 2009 to come.. 5 more weeks, and feeling like I need some saving.. 

maybe it's just the sunday blues..

oh we were fools to think it was all over.

The long march out of camp, the celebrations, the passing out ceremony that made history like the way our training did. Many firsts, the pride and glory of the unit which had been dipping over the years had reached a turning point, and we were the pivot. We knew we had it coming, but what came after was just startling.. Our bodies worn, we fueled on with a fire burning in our hearts. 

This is the start of something.. something of the very least. 

I rowed on and on till we finally reached our destination. It was not over. What did we just get ourselves into.. We didn't have a choice, with our fates cast in we arrived at a gate. A sign read. ' welcome to hell '

I thought to myself, there was nothing to be glorious about if a man fate isn't one he decided on his own. I just knew that I'd have to do whatever it takes to survive, and that is where I'll decide my own fate.

rainy days

Rainy days bring back memories.. just some of the random stuff that came into my mind..

1.) I remember back when I was in p school, I would always hang out at peter or simon's (they lived in the same block) place after school. It was a rainy day, the sky looking very much like the one today.. We went to west mall afterward and watched inspector gadget. I think that was the first movie I watched in a cinema with friends..

2.) The first time I went to a chalet with my family.. I can't remember when, probably in primary school.. We were in the taxi cab when it started to rain really heavily. We were worried that the bad weather would ruin the barbeque.

3.) I remember the days in sec school when we'd play soccer almost every day.. on the days that rained heavily, we would run for shelter and took the sheltered walk way all the way to ginza.. until the part where we would have to cross the road. We'd usually dash across and end up getting drenched.

4.) during my years in sp, the rain always ended up making me late for class.. whether it made me wake up later or caused a jam on the road.. the air-conditioning on those days were usually a tad too cold.

5.) I remember the days while waiting for enlistment. The night my mom called me and told me that I got the letter stating I was to report to sembawang base on the 10th sept. It was raining. We had just stopped playing tennis at jk's place..

I'm passing out of bmt this week, it's been 10 weeks, thats a term spent in school time.. I feel like I'm still living in the past.. anyway I don't think they'll cut me off for the next phase, but I really wouldn't mind trading for an 8-6.. I just want the next few months to past really quickly..

never regret something that once made you smile..

My long weekend just got a little longer..

I spent the whole of last night vomiting and diarrhea-ing. and for every sip of water I drank, I vomited out at least twice the amount. Went to west point hospital, the doctor gave me a jab to stop the vomiting.. 

It's scary to think where all that water came from.. I was dehydrated, badly. and the worst part was that my body wouldn't absorb any water I drank. I was so weak I had trouble walking on my own.. I spent the night tossing and turning in pain, while mom had me drink sips of water at intervals. I developed a fever overnight due to the dehydration.. I've never been so sick before.. 

but still, I have to go back to camp tomorrow cause my mc only covers me for today and tomorrow.. Not enough rest time if you ask me.. 

Since young I've always had a knack for taking things apart but not so much putting them back together though, except when it came to lego.. I would always wonder, what's inside.. hey what's inside that clock.. what's inside the television, what makes it tick.. how does it work.. fortunately it never came to a point where I had dissect my television..

I'd like to understand the basis of how everything works, though it drives me crazy sometimes.. The hardest yet is when I look upon myself. How do I work. how does the human mind, heart and soul work..

and when I think of this, it's like my mind runs into an infinite loop.. going circles and circles which only leads to me, once again.. starring blank outside the window feelin shitty..

I sometimes think I must get a certain joy out of sabotaging my own life.

I'm back from my stay in the wilderness.. It seems that if there's one thing that's changed is my care for hygiene. I probably, surely ate quite a fair bit of sand and drank some mud water but ah well.. that's field camp..

and just the other day I shocked myself when I picked up the sneaker bar I dropped by the side of the road. I considered it for a sec, and though ah what the hell I'm not gonna waste it. It didn't really bother me, besides the road looked quite clean.. Singapore's road are clean. Strangely that happened just before field camp..

I went for supper last night. Food, ice-cream whatever fell onto the table I'd pick it up and eat. I did it without much thought, I did it as if the food had fallen back into the plate and I picked it up again.. surprised, zb said 'wah you come back from field camp then not scared dirty liao ah' 

So now you know why guys who've gone through ns are more unfazed by dirt.. Now I gotta get out of the house, they've just started drilling on my walls.

Change

Memories are built on emotions.. Sometimes we choose what we want to remember and what to forget. We construct bridges, linking memory to emotion to a physical object ie. a place..

So every time we pass a familiar place or listen to an old song, our emotions are triggered, and the memory of the event is recalled.. Nostalgia..

sad or happy, these links can be re-wired.. The hard part is venturing out to find that change of circuits. The hard part is taking a gamble at change never knowing if it's for the better. the hardest part is to face it, and not avoid it. 

Life is like riding a bicycle, to keep your balance you must keep moving.

So the problem here is stopping. Yes it may have occurred to many of you out there serving the nation that your life just ended. stopped. paused for 2 years. hence if you've been losing your balance and bouncing your face off the curb, fret not for it's only normal.

The big mystery remains, can one serve the nation and still have a life? It's mighty hard to live half a life. Gawd how I remember whining about how my job sucked before, and how tired it can get going out after work plus the extra curricular activities..but were all in fun's sake.. 

Compared to some job I have now, minimum wage.. always working ot without pay, bosses never appreciate your work, company welfare is basically a joke.. Gawd those were the days back when.. I was free to do whatever I liked whether I liked it or not. Ironic.

Fact is, the life that's in me is pretty much like a lamp starved of oxygen. Whose isn't.. but really, life isn't that bad. It's very bad. So bad it's funny, in a good way.

It's like one of those horrible movies that you go to and come out laughing so hard at how bad the acting was you forget you were having a bad time. 

I better get back to moving, even if it means wandering around this old neighborhood. I don't wanna lose my balance now.