Somedays

Somedays are just bored to hell. Well fact is most days are. but I don't blame the days. The problem is me. See I have a pretty 'under-achievers' kinda life. I'd rather stay in the lower league all my life and never be disappointed as opposed to if I went to the 'premiere league' , struggle and fail..

Maybe thats why part of me now doesn't feel like going to further my studies. If life is simple and you keep your eyes half-shut most of the way, you'll be happy. I'm just scared I'll waste more time.. probably more than a quarter of my life's been gone already and there's no way to get it back.

I have nothing. nothing to my name, my education is 2 years out of date, I woke up and realized I have nothing good going on, nothing anyone would put their stakes into. Nothing but false hopes.

I'm stuck in a rut. and perhaps my greatest fear is to stuck here forever, all alone no acceptance.

Somedays I just feel so tired, I wonder if I will ever wake up again not feeling this tired.

you don't see many blogs these days.. seems like a couple of years ago, everyone had blogs but slowly they just disappeared. people moved on to twitter (I haven't tried it yet but it don't seem so great to me) or vlogging (wont work for me cause I don't have a pretty face.)

It's sad that people spend more time stalking people's fb profiles and 'making up' their own profile cause stuff like fb and twitter, well they barely scratch the surface of a person's thoughts or likeness... blogs however, if a person cares to write about more than just what he/she had for dinner then can really connect. insights, people, emotions.. Don't we all just feel a need to be connected.. of course, which explains all the social networking, but at what level..

anyway, i just got home.. and on the way home I decided to stop and look for kitty. kitty is a stray cat who never leaves this particular block. His fur color is like the one garfield has, really nice and clean looking. I looked at kitty, he was sleeping by the corner of a pillar, and I realize thats all he does, sleep. and wait for the old lady to feed him.. and once in awhile a stranger like myself to come along and play with him.

I wondered for awhile if cats could feel emotions.. and what would it feel like to live a life like that..

just random thoughts..

if I fell

It's dooty day , oh didn't I just mention it awhile ago ? never mind.. too much boredom leads to insanity, or emo-ness for that fact.. so youtubers entertains me while I can't fall asleep.

Pretty girls belong in shopping malls

I went for my SIT interview on friday.. spent about an hour waiting for my turn to be interviewed.. there were about 4 people before me, and each of them took bout 20mins.. I found myself initiating conversations with them about a couple mins after I sat down in the waiting room, which I surprised myself cause normally I'm a introverted quiet guy who'd rather keep to himself. It was a good thing though, had a nice chat and it did help with the nerves.. imagine waiting an hour for an interview, that'll make you nervous.

Anyway.. I had some time to burn after the interview before heading back to camp. So I took a walk down city hall to marina.. I found it really delightful to walk through the isle which was for once wasn't packed with people. see the sun shine through the center square of marina and still feel the cool of the air conditioning.

I looked around and the place was just filled with 'pleasantness' maybe it was the fact that I was out of camp on a weekday.. but even the girls, how few of them were mostly easy on the eye. I had then realized there were more pretty girls in one shopping mall.. then all the places I've been to that whole week.. places like... bus, train, camp, streets. yep it all made sense and I bet someone said it before.. Pretty girls belong in shopping malls ..

in about 3 hours time I gotta depart for camp, duty.

It's not the duty that sucks but the fact that I still have to work the next day.

anyway.. I think it's time I ought to let go..

of my work life that I've been so very dedicated to.

and.. ORD. soon.

It's wired

I needa get this in my head. so I'm gonna do what I always do.. Write. I'd wish I could write an awesome song out of it, but I'm no genius and my feelings' pretty messed up anyway.. and thats 1 step forward, admitting it.

I'm just a friend to her, there is no reciprocation. It's not an assumption from some inert fear of rejection I have. It's totally sensible, accountable through our interactions and actions and I need to remember that.

Attraction is hard to ignore, or erase. but it's possible. I probably haven't been trying very hard to let go. Heck I haven't been trying very hard at anything at all. Feels like I've reached a point in my life where I live just for the sake of living. Everyday feels the same. I don't feel sadness, I feel bored.. really bored.. and sometimes it feels like there's a black-hole in my chest and my ribs might collapse from the sucking..

Fb-stalking only makes things worst (i'm sure everyone does this but I'm not proud to say).. makes me speculate. care too much. wonder. I should probably shut myself out but again. I haven't been trying too hard. Like how I wonder why it seems like she herself is on the end of her own story of unrequited love. (speculating) It makes me wonder and think too much. and even if it's true it's not an opportunity for two heartbroken people to heal each other's. The real world is much to cruel, and I'm surprisingly mature enough to realize that a relationship built on that would only crash and burn so quickly.

Thus I shouldn't care to 'save' anyone since I jolly well can't even save myself. sensible ?

So yes, I can't save myself from this one, as everyday is a battle within myself.

Tomorrow morning I will wake up and forget most part of what I've said. and I'll proceed again to exploit the many possibilities that fairy tales are real. I've actually had a beer.

It's just human nature.

shudder

There is a wind that blows, it's been blowing for about a year and 7 months. Eroding my soul.

I spend a lot of time sitting and thinking.. just sitting still, and think. cause well thats what they expect me to do, sit still and watch.. but I'm really thinking all the time. and the World has never seemed so sad to me.

so much pain, despair, unnecessary.. I try to fix a problem thats been around for years, and all people care about is pointing fingers and shooting people down.

alas, I wash my hands of this. I know not what's right anymore but I do what I can to help the people around me.

and I've felt so alone in the process..

stories

Women have always known to be the downfall of many great men

A women can lift a man up so high and mighty, but she can also ruin him, break him, destroy.

and throughout the many centuries of the human race, mankind have questioned time and time again.

are men really the dominant sex..

Surely we'd all have been doomed from the beginning if women had not obliged themselves to the supportive role of her man for the sake of humankind.

under the radar

We all have problems and issues.

I have a friend who whines about lots of them everyday, and it's really sickening. I on the other hand would keep my problems all bottled up most of the time.. and most of these problems well they just mellow into the days (which have become so routined) it's as if they're not there anymore.

These are the real problems, the underlying ones you don't see.. or see but couldn't care to do anything about it since it has been that way for so long.

It happens, in my work life.. where so many systems are flawed but by the time people realize, it's been so long that change would an upheaval.

It happens in my personal life.. one day you find that what you've been doing suddenly lost it's purpose.. and perhaps it's time to 'change direction' but you can't cause you've been going this way so long you've built up speed. changing direction suddenly would definitely cause you to fly off course and die.

Beer belly is out. and i'm still drinking.