Fuck, Fuck, Fuck !

C'mon say fuck with me !

I feel fucked and I can't tell you why..

I even went for a 5k run and I feel even more fucked now..

it's like one of those vampires got me while I was sleeping and sucked the life out of me..

VAMPIRE! NANANANA.. It's gonna come get you.. It's gonna come get you!

Went back to my sec school yesterday..

Tanglin, a supposed notorious school.. worse of the lot. my batch was probably the last bastion of hope, after that (as I've heard) everything just went spiral..

It can't be that bad I though.. oh well.. while others can be proud of coming from a prestigious school.. I can say, well I'm from the worst of the lot and I still made it out alive and well.. well.. you could say. At least I've got a diploma.. same can be said for most of my fellow sec sch buddies.. they are a pretty smart bunch, though not the best in terms of studying, but intelligent nonetheless.. and that, is something I can be proud of.. hah.

yes.. you know who you are.. and don't be too flattered.

I don't wanna stop..

don't wanna stop living.. don't wanna stop dreaming.. 

1 and a half more weeks. I'd be lying if I said it's not affected me.

It's a conflicting state of emotions, which makes me feel so weak yet so strong.. we wake up everyday, having the privilege of knowing we can have our friends and family right beside us.. 

I'll be missing that.. I'll be missing you..

yes you..

Wouldn't it be nice

I just got back from Redang Island, M'sia.. It feels like I've been missing alot.. 4 days, no tv.. no papers.. no broadband.. but I guess thats what's so special about island living.. it's a small little world in it's own..

Yes, no doubt the resort is after all a commercial business and it's there to earn tourists' money.. but in my stay there, it almost felt like the whole resort was a little community where no money was involved and everyone did their part.. like the staff weren't really staff.. but just a bunch of people who came together to form a community on the island.. just imagine..

living on an island by the beach.. everything you need to live..  everyone is everyone's friend, no bad people.. all trust.. no money involved.. no crime.. a utopia.. perfection.. 

I haven't got much ideas on what to blog these days.. maybe because I've been wowing too much.. or maybe it's just that I've desensitized myself.. cause I usually write in relation to what I feel, and you know what? I don't feel anything.

Went to play soccer with kai's friends this morning..  being the ns men that they are, all they talk about is ns stuff..  and being the non-ns man that I am, I couldn't quite understand their behavior.. 

I think thats why Singaporean are having trouble getting married, as mentioned in every year's ND rally. Ns takes away individuality, personality.. sure it teaches a thing or two about being a man, but it also makes us ultimate bores.. yep.. My fellow country men are a boring bunch and thus the gals turn to other alternatives.

So anyway.. where was I.. oh yea a couple of weeks more till it's my turn.. and it's weird because I don't know where all my time went.. it's easy to count.... 6 years in primary.. 4 years in secondary.. 3 years in tertiary.. 6 months.. in.. .... hm (that already seems like its missing).. then 2 years in.. ns... hmm what does that mean really.. 

It's like we go to school to get an education... to get a job in the future.. but we go to ns because... hmm.. I can't seem to grasp it.. and without a real goal.. I just can't 'archive' the time.. I wouldn't know, but right now it seems like going to sleep and waking up 2 years later. then wondering. where the hell have I been these 2 years.. 

I just got home. I cut my hair a couple of days ago, though it's not to it's usual shortness.. as I just told the barber, short and neat.. you must be wondering what I usually tell the barber.. anyway..

We were out looking for a Polaroid Camera.. (well actually only zb was) It was late, wee late.. and we found ourselves in the wonderful magnificent Mustafa shopping center - the place which has anything and everything you need!

I've been to Mustafa, but never this late.. it was just after midnight, and a whole different atmosphere.. It was still pretty busy despite the time which gave it a sort of feeling like time had stopped in there. There was also a half fun half erie sort of aura about the place. like a fun-house of doom.

the kind of place where the sadistic mastermind traps unknowing shoppers in for days without them realizing of the time past. There were no windows, no night or day inside.. the radio kept playing over and over the same songs.. or at least they all sounded the same to me.. and of course.. the endless messes of anything and everything.. which weren't arranged in any particular order, making you go in circles without realizing much.

sure, one might think it's good fun exploring the many levels for rare or interesting products, but thats where it's so scary.. it's fun.. and once you get trapped inside without a sense of time with an ambience made to wipe your mind..  it's like arcade's mad fun-house! how fun.

I think I still can smell the sent of the place. 

Time changes.

I look back, I used to dislike water.. well probably because of a very high chance I'd drown. but now I think I've grown to like it a little.. more then before.. 

Another thing. I used to hate keeping my hair long.. the current length is the longest I've ever kept it.. Think I might cut it next week, but I've kinda grown accustomed to having long hair.. It's not too bad.. I guess.. at least it covers up the fact that I actually have very little hair...

Time changes things.. sometimes we look back and prefer, or hate what we saw.. sometimes we forget altogether..

Sometimes we don't want things to change at all, we wish time would stand still... 

but not me, I don't wish for time to slow down or stand still at all..

I just wish to control time altogether... hah, just kidding.

but what if I could.. Nope, the time keeper certainly can't trust me with that power for more than a day... But if just for 1 minute, I could jump time and then return to where I am.. I know where I'd go.. 

I would...... 

It's a secret. =p

* leave now if you have a problem with the word 'love' *

I love that I've found some good motivation and made some good progress in my swimming and overall fitness..

I love how I spend my time alone watching some really good tv shows and reading some pretty interesting books and producing my music..

I love how I spend my time with my friends, going on adventures, hanging out and doing new stuffs..

I love that I'll be going on a trip which seems like totally fun with some of my best buddies..

I love that the past few months, or even this whole year has been pretty fulfilling personally 

I love that I feel prepared mentally to go into ns and even the fact that I'll be going to not just any old camp.

I love that I'm pretty much optimistic in my thoughts (in the end), though... (yes I do think a lot, maybe too much sometimes) and I'm perfectly capable of coming up with an opposite list instead.. 

I'm probably having one of the best times of my life right now.. 

so... why do I still sigh...

It's okay.. I'll smile because I love that I just simply feel this way sometimes but never think that way.. even though it's etching...

The truck that got away

I saw a truck just now.. It was turning out of a car park slot below my block... As it turned much too soon, a screeching sound of metal twisting and breaking came apart. The engine stopped.. then started again briefly.. It was gone in 3 seconds.

I was pretty sure after that that the truck had scrapped the car of some sort.. I went around to look. The whole front bumper of the car came off. A real pity for the owner of the car, the truck driver didn't even stop or get out.. so that pretty much rules out the possibility of him giving out his insurance information.. 

oh and on a side note. 

I'm so in love... with Pushing Daisies.. 

too bad season 1 only has 9 episodes.. far too little..

Happy National Day Singapore.. !

I was meaning to give a out a little national day speech about not dissing the country so much for all it's flaws, but I forgot most of what I wanted to say on the count of I'm feeling really sleepy and unwell from a mild cold.. cause if there's one thing Singaporeans seem to excel in it's complaining.. 

well anyway; for all the seemingly f-up systems, the way people are in this country, all the little problems like S'poreans not having enough babies and stuff.. It's just a result of how efficient our country has grown. and by that I mean in terms of making money. Rapid development has it's tolls.. and thus, the common man is forgotten, left in dilemma, plunged into a state of social anarchy. Majority of the population, or at least those at the top seem to think that that's perfectly fine.

and all I've got to say is.. well at least life here's prettier then next door.. and that's good enough, for now..

8.8.8

olympics is here!

national day is tomorrow.. and I remembered awhile ago I was working on the ndp games for this year's website. I couldn't help taking a peak.. the link is here and here... congrats to the 3 guys who won things playing my game, if we ever crossed path it would only be fate.

Well we certainly hit the mark for that one, in terms of grades but the end product on the site is less than satisfactory for me yet pretty amusing.. Though I couldn't help the rush of mixed feelings.. that conflicting tinge of heartache, the very same tinge you get when you miss someone you want to embrace yet don't ever want to stop missing.. 

yes, it's hard to leave it as it is when you had put much devotion in anything. but like any other whole heartedly devoted person would say, and for no other reason; I share your sentiments, we did what we could because we could.

It had been raining all day.. The night was chill.. I had just returned from a short walk to the nearby supermarket. There was always something about a walk on a chilly night with a little drizzle that made me feel so at peace.. or a trip to the supermarket to satisfy my craving for a particular snack or drink that made me feel like a kid again.. 

that simple joy of simple things.. There's a saying; give a kid a candy and he'll be happy for the day.. give it to a grown-up, he'll be asking. "what do I gotta pay for this? is it free? can I have more?" 

So I got back to the safety of my room just as another heavy downpour came. It was warm, I liked my room. I liked the sound of the rain coming though the windows (it would be a lot of noise if the windows weren't closed, but just right if they were.) It's my home, in a home. In my little secluded hometown which people hardly know off. and I'd like it to stay.. 

TV

2 shows I really want to watch. Pushing Daisies and Reaper. They both have really interesting story lines and really lovable characters. 

Problem is, channel 5 only shows the first one once a week and I've already missed too many episodes before discovering its the kind of show I'd like to watch. As for Reaper, I watched one episode on some Indonesian channel when I was in Bintan..  So I turn to the last resort; I never thought I'd say this.. online streaming..

Yes.. for a long time I've kept to my believe of tirelessly waiting week by week for eps of my favorite tv show to air.. It makes it a whole lot more exciting this way, and it adds a measure of control (so I won't become a tv addict and get a.d.d and shit n stuff..).. But alas, I've haven't got a lot of time left to wait week by week... so best be I enjoy while I can ! cheers !

Was listening to some old songs this morning, which inadvertently reminded me of my school days.. The loads of homework I dreaded, the psychopath teacher.. and extra classes.. were the worst.. you could say those were some of the worst moments in the best days of my life..

Worst simply because of the kind of life itself.. bounded by rules and the pressure of failing. But for every bit of freedom we could obtain, rules we broke, and the great escapes pulled off there was always a great sense of satisfaction. The best part was that we did it all together, and without much though for consequences. After all we were just kids trying to have fun.

Now the abundance of freedom comes with a catch, and that catch is; You are responsible for your own actions. It's a wonderful life until you get into real trouble. but with no one to tell you what to do but yourself, the satisfaction of fun fades.. 

The thing is people keep wanting more and they'll work towards it.. and when they get there they're not satisfied and want more.. because the best things in life doesn't count by what you have, but what you don't have. The lesser you have, the more you'll have to wreck your brain to make the best of what you have. thats when things will get interesting.. 

sat

I just looked at the calendar.. I have 38 more days till I enlist not counting today cause its almost over.. 

Anticipation is always the worst.. It's like a thorn at my side, or rather a thorn right through the center of my chest, that every time I jump or laugh too hard it kicks in.. Sigh. My days are pretty much routined now. I plan to step up my personal training as it seems like I'm not training hard enough.

So even if the thorn gets bigger and the sun stops shinning, I'll at least be hell lot fitter..

Not in the mood for anything right now, that includes writing.. so...

Jason Mraz.. great song to relax to...