hometown

alot of performers/entertainers of any sort will tell you that performing in their hometown, in front of their friends and families is often the toughest.. the irony is that to the people who probably won't care if you screw up and will still love you anyway, it's always the hardest to be transparent.

It's why sometimes I like meeting new people who I know won't stick around for long, and won't have any kind of serious business with me. I can be anyone I want .. I can take a break from being me.. I can take the chance to burn of whatever negative thoughts and emotions I have. I told this guy that I'm kinda like peter-parker.. Though he's under the impression that I'm total joker, crazy hyper kind of guy (my fault), it is just my alter ego. under that I really am just a reserved, introverted, kinda-geeky-like guy..

yep. I said that. Tell me I'm not going crazy.. no one believes me anyway, which makes it all the more better.. I could be totally transparent about all my dark sides for a change, without having the fear of being constantly judged.. I love my life, but sometimes I just think I'm kinda screwed up as a person.

the intern

Yes, I've been home on weeknights which is great.. but today my 3-day attachment at the medical center expires and I have to book in later..

besides the pay internship has always been a good experience for me.. fulfilling meaningful experiences where one might learn alot.. It's so good, it's too good to be true.. it's almost like the company promoting, ' hey look how fun is this.. and you can have this everyday with even better pay and even better perks, just work with us full time ! '

I haven't had much serious working experiences besides petty odd jobs, some which sucked, some which was really fun and particularly one (the multimedia one) which payed pretty well for doing the minimum I'm expected to know.. but I know, for one to be happy with his job, not too easy..

and why internship rocks so much, is you're basically getting paid to learn, hence you're not exactly expected to know how to do your job properly.. if you do, thats a bonus.. so treasure your time as a student/intern/trainee, whatever..

I tend to tell more people that I intend to work first study later.. studying is fun and work can be scary.. but I feel like I gotta stick my head out there and try something first, anything. What kind of work will I want to take up. honestly, I don't really know.. I'm open to anything as long as it offers a promising future, and is within my capability.

thing is, my definition of promising doesn't only equate to being financially successful.. which scares me cause, what if I end up broke chasing some silly dream. will it be worth it ?

dreamlands

I can't sleep well nowadays.. especially in camp. Alot of people tell me this, it is not just I.. but I wanted to not miss out on anything, even though I barely slept the night before I didn't take my usual afternoon nap, and I'm still awake.

The longer I wait, the more the dreamlands seem so heavenly, so comfortable.. but if I jump in now, hair wet.. I'll probably ruin my chance of falling asleep almost instantly after I lay beneath the covers, and I miss that feeling dearly. never knowing how or when exactly ..

but perhaps if I just sat for awhile and enjoy the subtlety of this very moment.. ahh, I would've known that I have almost entered the dreamlands.. if I vacated my mind, there would be nothing else left.. but acceptance and peace.

I got arrested.

I got arrested last night.. in my dreams.. I can't really remember much of it but I know it sucked a hell lot.. cause I didn't snooze after I woke up from the dream..

I was being framed but that wasn't the part that sucked the most. I lost my phone before I got arrested. when you get arrested they give you one call to call your lawyer or someone to come bail you out? well since I didn't have my phone with me, I also didn't have my phonebook. and even thought in actual fact I can remember the a couple of numbers, in dream world I was just left stranded..

So there I was trapped, in alot of trouble.. and no one knew where I was.. I couldn't call anyone to let them know.. pretty much helpless..

It sucked even more cause the moment I woke up and saw the time, I knew I hadn't had enough sleep. and now that I'm awake.. well I'm awake.. maybe I'll go back to sleep after I get some breakfast..

its a love hate thing.

Tv is officially the greatest time waster in the history of man kind.. ever since the birth of such an invention, men have been known to sit and stare at it all day..

but who cares, as long as there are people out there willing to dedicate their lives to making good tv. there will always be people there to watch it. or put it this way... there will always be people around whose ultimate goal is to make millions, exploiting the very fact that humans, seek adventure... humans seek a sense of belonging.. they see a character on screen that they can relate to and they'll keep asking for more. emotion. the same goes for games, movies.. the internet, probably all sorts of media entertainment..

and I hate these things sometimes (i know it's ironic).. but what can I do without em? They make me wanna live my life filled with awesomeness.. and hopefully someday I'll move from my position as an audience.. and be the one to make people to feel good about themselves, to dream, to think and reflect about the kind of life they have, to want to want something so bad, to imagine the infinite possibilities of life.. to hang on when the world's falling down.. or just sit and stare.. in awe..

Beyond these grills

So I look out my window.. beyond the metal grills and I see a beautiful sky.. azure.. Its cloudy yet with a sense of hope as bright the white light radiating from the other side..

I see a bright sky and I like it.. what I hate are these grills.. they're right in front of me.. I want to stare into the beautiful blue sky in admiration but every time I look up I see these grills and they cause massive irritation to my eyes (literally) .

So I moved the grills.. it only made me realize that my frustrations were not caused by the diagonal grills hindering my view.. but it was the glare.. For I have been living in the dark for awhile now that I've grown accustomed ..

when people ask me 'eh lao chao peng, what's your plan after ns?' sometimes my mind just blanks.. 'going to ord soon ?' me : 'no laahh' It's not that I've got totally no plans or direction. I do have a general direction.. and I do have specific goals in mind. but the future, it's just too glaring.. and besides, everything changes so quickly nowadays.

ole compootar

So the laptop in my parent's room blew it's screen out.. dad took my old pc, which I never use anymore except for occasional file transfers (cuz my mp3 isn't mac compatible).. I found all my old folders of songs I used to listen everyday while I was troubleshooting for the audio..

really brings back the memories..

So, I wanted to grab all those files and shove it in my external hard disk. but my hard disk is mac formatted ! .. If I had to reformat my disk, it would erase everything inside which would be troublesome.. fortunately, technology has gotten way smarter.. thus I am now partitioning my disk, half -half.. awesome.

morale of the story: when you decide to make a big switch/change in your life.. there's gonna be many repercussions that follow.. even after a long time..

tatayoung

So my friend from camp tells me; I have a school mate from last time and she's the cousin of tata young.. and she's thai.. So I began to ask more.. are you kidding me?.. are you kidding me? how old is she?..

So I got all excited... cousin of tatayoung.. (he told me he would show me her fb) must be somewhat hot too.. if not sexy naughty bitchy..

I got home and he showed me.. hmm.. she looks... kiddy.. I told him (she's 17 btw).. he showed me another.. which looked better.. but maybe because it was a group shot and she happened to stood out the most.. (okay lah.. she was pretty.. just a little too 'thai' for my liking)

then I went to www.tatayoung.com in search of a comparison.. looking at her picture it was then I remembered I didn't even like tatayoung in the first place.. HAH.. and there I was on a thursday night imagining tatayoung to be reallllly pretty, hot and also imagining that her 17 year old cousin would take after her..

anyway.. these kinda things are often very subjective, one man's trash another man's treasure.. and sometimes, the picture inside your head looks nicer.. and with that, guys.. happy imagining.. cause I'm not gonna post a picture. =p

I'm a simple guy

Sometimes I think me being myself contradicts a lot. I enjoy the simple things, yet as far as I know, I'm no where near simple.

I'm content with little things, give me something good and I won't ask for more.. Yet I dream all the time, spectacular dreams filled with optimism, they never happen but I'm still content with what I have.. Maybe I just like dreaming, cause dreaming is safe.. my two feet are on the ground. If I fall in my dream, I won't actually fall in reality.

Sometimes I act really moronic and do stupid things. (especially in camp nowadays) cause I think it's fun, and more happiness is spread around this way. but the next moment, I'm responsible, serious, and actually act my age or even older.

One thing that stays the same though is the way I am around my parents.. Maybe it's something to do with the way I was brought up.. or it's just the way how parents always make their children feel small no matter how old they are.. I'm just the way I am 10 years ago.. although I've most certainly shed that side of my personality long ago.

sometimes I think I'm really just mental.. is there a need to change? I'm mostly content with who I am, but almost always feels a need to change parts of myself.

Maybe the real question to be asked is why be content, where there can be so much more awesomeness. again, it's about my upbringing, the principles that I cannot change.. be content with what you have, what you will receive. and just go to sleep..