good morning

I'm not really a fan of this guy.. but this is just the kinda song I listen to at the start of a day to make it a good day..

Sometimes it's just a matter of deciding.. I guess I want to be happy today.

doctor's office

So this is how I'll be spending this upcoming new year's eve.. copped up in this office, finding various ways of entertaining myself.. lets see stuff I did today..

1. slept alot.

2. ate a little.

3. tried to fix the broken youtube.

4. played a little guitar.

5. watched about 7 eps of big bang theory.

6. folded a really neat paper flower I learned from a library book.

7. played some miniclip, and started playing tycoons on fb

time actually past faster than I thought. probably cause I slept bout 4 hours just now. n this office has almost everything I need.. a desk with a desktop, a sink, a BED.

I think I'll go for a night run now, expend all my energy, shower and call it a day.

nothing to lose

It's great sometimes to feel like you got nothing to lose. but then comes the afterthought, I have nothing to lose.. which essentially means you have nothing of value to treasure.. isn't that just sad?

So to hold on or the let go .. that is the question.. Its like a hanging on a ledge.. holding on would require strength, tire you. it'll be painful. It's so much easier to let go, but if you let go you might break a leg from the fall.

I found that I've been holding on to my life, and I tell myself it's 6 more months why give in now.. why let go. cause with loads of duties pouring in, and a new heavy kind of responsibility it's easy to give in and immerse myself in work. cancel my plans for getting a driver's license, for recording and re-recording my songs, for pursuit of certain happiness, cause I'm tired. cause if I let it all go I won't have anything to lose anymore.

But I'm not. This can be said as a last stand, a 6 month stint. and I'm still out there trying to find joy. but what have I got to lose from this? only lots. and if I survive, it'll all be worth it.

blistering heat

Sometimes bad things happen that will turn out to be something good a couple of days later. but anyway that's nothing to do with what I've got to say today.

It's hot, so very hot that it's frustrating. Yes global warming is very real, and it's happening. our very protected-from-natural-disasters country is not so protected after all.. cause if this keeps up. we'll all be roast meat. In fact, I read somewhere (discovery Mag I think) that every year since 2000 has been the record hottest year.

Everyone's feeling hot, so they turn up the air conditioning, which really isn't a long term solution to this problem. It's ironic, cause then we use up more energy and we'll just burn more fossil fuels which will then make it even hotter, until it's too hot we'll just rot underground and die.

Know what ? why don't we just call everyone in the world and tell them to put their toys away. by toys I mean, their ak-47s, m203s, c4s, icbms, tanks, planes.. all those craps that just takes up all our time n energy and for what ? I mean just take one local example. which organization in sg uses up the most oil ?

I learnt in my time that it's hard to unite a hundred men to an unwilling cause. is there even any chance in trying to unite 6.7 billion people ?

we're all gonna die someday anyway.

The reason for this.

This blog has been around for almost a year now. before this blog there were others, blogs, journals, hand-written even that most of you never knew existed. and I know it gets boring after awhile if you've been reading all the way through, but it never really became boring for me.

I write on. I do because it at the end of a bad day it vacates my mind and helps me sleep. I do not like to scream, shout nor cry (there are exceptions though) in joy, sadness, or anything. when I'm overwhelming happy and there's no one around to share my happiness, I write. When I'm sad and there's no one beside who'd bump my shoulder and tell me I'm okay I write. Sometimes I feel so lost and demoralized. I'd just write and I'll almost immediately feel a wee bit better. This is one of those times..

cause when I write, I think I about sad things and I throw them out through my pen, my keyboard. I write about happy things and I remember them, and how they all make the world a better place. The world can be a very dark place. but where there's a will to make it brighter, there will be light.

oh no

the past 16 months has rot me.

I probably knew this was happening long ago but I've ignored it and continue to think that when I ord I will still be able to find a job and be borderline efficient at it.

who am I kidding. all my skills and knowledge attained from 3 years at poly has left me. I find it really frustrating sometimes when I open up photoshop illustrator or flash that I've become so unfamiliar with it. I resort to going online searching for tutorials and it gets more frustrating when I cant find what I want or I can't understand it when I find it.

and there is no bright side to this, I've seem to lost my eagerness in creativity too. musically, graphically, always the lack of mood.. This dry spell of inspirational creativity won't end here.

I suddenly remembered why I used to despise social conformity so much. I've allowed myself to stop being bitter for the sake of it.

a new responsibility

I'm not the kind of guy who'd like to spend his ns life working overtime. I'm not sure any likes that. But today I attended to my patient, and worked overtime. not because I had to. I could've handed over to the next medic who is very capable of taking care of him as well.. but he was my patient, I just had a sense of wanting to make sure he was fine before leaving.

Now I know why they say medics have to be proud. cause no one else recognizes our efforts.. People only see the medic sitting at a cover doing nothing all day.. People only see a medic booking out everyday and cry unfairness. They don't see that when things happen behind the scenes the medic is there to save the day. They don't see away from the training, at the sickbay or ward the care and the dedication the medic projects. They don't see that on weekends or holidays, the medic is on standby.

It's only the 1st week of my new job and I've 6th months to go. I can sense it's gonna be tough, but least it's more fulfilling than any other ns vocation I can think of. hah!

mesmerized

'When I look into her eyes, it's like nothing else matters but the warm comforting feelings I get'

Yes I have been falling.. floating around... and falling again..

joy.

I had a pretty rough 1st day of work, but I'm still smiling..

I might have inhaled too much happy gas.. or maybe not.

maybe it's just the lack of sleep.. but there're clouds floating in my head right now and they feel alright..

White Tag

Have you ever been asked or asked yourself this question: If you saw a stranger having a wardrobe malfunction would you tell ? Some say it would be courteous to do so, but by telling them you make it known to them that you saw it. It would hence be controversial especially in the case of a guy telling a lady.. ' hey your bra's exposed' and in his mind going ' yep i saw it'

This is Singapore. The rare few would go up to the person and tell him/her, most people would just act like they never see it. and a select few will just keep staring and not say a word. I always wondered which one I'd be, and in such cases you usually never know till it happens.

so there I was standing in the train. and this lady was standing in front back facing me. She was wearing a low V cut back black dress, and looked quite beautiful for her age. cept there was one anomaly, at the back of her dress, a white tag stuck out about 2 inches long. I think it was the clothes tag but it really ruin the whole nice look of the black dress..

I felt obligated to tell her that the little white tag had ruined her attempt to look good in a pretty black dress .. she had her back faced to me. I thought of tapping her on the shoulder, but was afraid it would startle her and bring too much attention to me. I thought of telling her but it was crowded and people would hear what I was going to say. I even thought of telling another lady to tell her, cause if I were to my words would probably be very awkward.

After she alighted I kept thinking to myself, another minute I would've told her.. ah but she was out of my sight and the white tag didn't bother me no more.

Ignoring the signs

You know something's wrong when you start falling asleep standing up, and missing your stops. Which is exactly the need for my on going new year's resolution. It's not something that can be done over night, but a constant battle. to stop ignoring the signs.

What signs? the signs that I need to rest. The signs that says I am human and humans need sleep.. unfortunately my former unit had conditioned me to ignore pain and discomfort.. ignore the warning signs of sleep deprivation. and sadly, where ever I go the 'ndu' tag will always remain. he's not human, blah blah.. but thats another issue altogether.

Adrenaline, it becomes like a reflex.

Mostly it just keeps me awake when I need to be sleeping.

I'm probably more screwed up than I know..

heart

Here's a thought. an average person's heart rate goes from about 60 - 90 beats per minute. If you have lived for 21 years as I haved.. your heart has 'beated' about 827,820,000 times.

you gotta give cred to your heart, it never stops working. So spare it of the heartache sometimes and be happy.

I've been wanting to find out more about the human heart for awhile now.. ever since a friend and I shared this random query about what causes heartaches.. I know you're thinking, sadness.. lost of love.. blah blah.. but I'm really wondering down to the physiological level.. what causes it.. that sour feeling in your heart.. (and sometimes the sour feeling is a good one, sometimes bad)

so I did some googling/wiki/howstuffworks.. tried pretty much every site I know but I couldn't any solid answers. found some similar questions only to find that they have trouble finding answers too..

It's pretty obvious it's gotta do with certain chemicals and hormones in our bodies.. but I haven't found any specifics or explanations.

all I can say is that. I guess humans are just wired that way. For survival purposes..