tis

What do you make of yourself? Ever thought, it could be quite scary. My mind often wanders too far off for it's own good, and now I'm faced with the question, what have I made of myself?.. what will I make of myself.

This often leads to me starring into spaces for short periods and I'm not even gonna try to sleep now.. Then I think about the near future, what do I expect, how do I get there. How do I not die. The question here is 'how to not die', and not 'how to survive'.. There's a clear difference if you haven't noticed yet.

So all these thoughts swirling around, I get ideas.. probably about 40% will make sense.. out of that 40%, about 20% will be 'fit to try'.. and outta that 20% possibly only bout 5% will work and amount to something.. Great, I have an average 0.4% chance of not dying. prematurely. I must be pretty lucky, been beating the odds for 2 decades now.

Truth is, I always imagine myself in the near future. Imagine what I'd be doing, how am I gonna get out of a mess I just got myself in, wonder if I'll change.. Wonder if everything will change.. Imagine I make an amazing breakthrough and become all that I wish to be. No actually thats being greedy, I usually only imagine myself finding success in any one aspect of my life, sometimes even just on one goal alone. Sadly things never turn out as what I optimistically imagine (if they did, wouldn't I be predicting the future now?).

Life doesn't work that way, they say you succeed in one thing, the rest will follow through; but fail in one and everything crumbles.. Very true, and I'm not talking about any one thing, more specifically; money. You disagree? Let me remind you, TIS; this is Singapore.

Now I'm not very keen on selling my soul for money.. I'm jobless anyway.. I think I'm more of a survivalist. remember "how not to die".. but it seems in this dying world, it's almost like you have to kill or be killed. In other words, rise to the top or be crushed. So it looks like I'm gonna have sell my soul soon or later or step up and come up with a brilliant plan. Which is awfully scary..

Question is, how and when..

" three thousand miles north east
i left all my friends at the morning bus stop shaking their heads.
"what kind of life you dream of? you're allergic to love."
yes i know but i must say in my own defense
it's been undeniable dear to me, i don't know why
when every other part of life seemed locked behind shutters
i knew the worthless dregs we are "